Monsieur En couple
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had taken her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the Adderall they found in my desk. FML
Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is cheating on me, with the same guy I was cheating on him with. FML
Today, I got a letter in the mail about my periodic health assessment for active duty soldiers. I came back positive for two curable STD's that are extremely common on Fort Polk. I haven't had sex with anyone but my wife. FML
Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML
Today, I discovered that I don't have Herpes or genital warts. I have acne on my penis. FML
Today, in Chem, I was chosen to hold the fire extinguisher just in case something happened while showing how to blow up a dangerous chemical. My teacher told me to spray if anything got out of control. He lit the fire and I freaked out and sprayed it. The entire wing of my school was evacuted. FML
Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML
Today, I cut my finger open with a spoon. After waiting for 4 hours in the emergency room, the doctor told me I was missing too much flesh to qualify for stitches. He then called 2 other doctors in to examine it. Apparently they had a contest for patient with most ridiculous injury. I won. FML
Today, my mom revealed to me that when I was in Preschool, I used to get caught in the bathroom with little boys while I was feeling their "no no" area. I was giving hand jobs to boys before I could read. FML
Today, a police officer caught my girlfriend and me having sex. The officer was my dad, and we were butt naked in his new Ford Expedition. FML
Today, I was playing a math game with a 4th grade boy (I'm a college graduate). I cheated during the entire game, and still lost 7 of the 9 rounds we played. FML
Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said, "Good." FML
Today, I went to a rave where apparently one of my favorite rappers was supposed to perform. I stood in line for 2 hours in the rain, got pushed and shoved, and had to witness a bunch of drunken idiots puke all over the place. Once I finally got to the front of the line, they closed the doors. FML
Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML
Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML
Today, a sweet old lady gave up her seat for me in the bus. She lectured the entire bus that seats should be given to those in need, like myself who is "heavily pregnant." I'm just fat. FML
Today, it was snowing, and the campus looked just lovely. I sat on a nearby window ledge to enjoy the view. I was joined by a girl who looked fascinated as well, so I decided to make small talk. She nodded, smiled wistfully, and said, "There's herpes in the air today." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument; however, his new-found passion for hardcore rapping meant that he tried to "diss" me using bad rhymes and ill thought-out putdowns. It was ridiculous, and didn't really make any sense, so I started giggling. He stormed off, grumbling. FML
Today, I had to finally come to terms with the fact that I am obese when the doctor told me that my weird smell was not an infection but mold growing between my fat rolls. FML
Today, I woke up to find pieces of a dead spider stuck in my braces. FML
Today, I auditioned for a role in ballet. My stomach was in pain and as I ran to be lifted into the air by my partner, I let out a huge fart. The auditorium was dead silent. FML
Today, while helping out at a retirement home, I had to get a book off a bookshelf. When I reached up, my watch got stuck on my shirt, resulting in my shirt lifting up. I just flashed my man-boobs to at least 20 senior citizens, and one of them even asked if he could have a feel. FML
Today, I've been struggling with my English paper for the past hour, because I can't concentrate. This is because my mom is in the room next to me, singing to her pet rat about what a cute little boy he is, in between yelling at him to stop "molesting" her. FML
Today, I was asked out by a friend of mine. He's a doctor and works at a prestigious hospital, so thinking we would eat somewhere special, I got all dressed up. We ended up eating at his hospital's cafeteria, because he gets a small employee discount. FML
Today, I was yet again asked to show my hall pass. I'm 23 and work at a middle school. I've worked here for the last five months, so not only do I look 13 years old, I'm also not memorable enough for my own coworkers to recognize me. FML
Today, I had to drag my grandmother out of a store because she went up to a black family and started apologizing for slavery. FML
Today, a male employee at a shoe shop helped me try on shoes. Once I found a pair, I went to pay for them. I was telling the cashier about how great of an employee he was when she told me there were no male employees. A guy with a foot fetish helped me find shoes. FML
Today, I discovered the true meaning of being scared shitless. My father in a clown costume emerged from my closet. Needless to say something emerged from me. FML
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