Eastlake Célibataire
Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML
Today, at work, I was trying to get the octopus out of its tank to transfer it to another one. It instantly latched to my face and sprayed ink all over me. My boss told me to stop playing with the animals. FML
Today, working my job, I had to explain to a kid that Pokemon is owned by Nintendo and they don't make it for the Xbox. Upset by this, he took hold of my leg and started biting. I'm also suspended, because his mother complained when I kicked him off me. FML
Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML
Today, I copied some files to my phone while borrowing my grandfather's laptop. As I selectively deleted the files from the recycle bin, I noticed some pictures, and ended up seeing way more than I wanted to of his erect penis. FML
Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML
Today, my mum decided that having the flu and being too lazy to go upstairs to the bathroom is a valid excuse to shit in a jug instead. 5ML
Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML
Today, I got my wisdom teeth removed. All I can remember is crying to my mom because I thought spoons were taking over the world. FML
Today, while I was working as a teacher at a daycare, a two year-old girl decided the best way to share that she had pooped was to reach in her diaper and attempt to hand some to me. FML
Today, my son was smart enough to hack the school's computers to change his midterm, but isn't smart enough to actually keep his grades up. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML
Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend uses a period tracker app to find out when we can fuck. FML
Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML
Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML
Today, my little sister filled the huge house I spent over a week building in Minecraft with TNT. She then demanded I give her all the money in my wallet, or she'd blow it all up. She's now $86.25 richer, and my parents think it's too hilarious to make her give me my money back. FML
Today, I was watching porn, and ended up bawling because the girl in the video looked like my ex. FML
Today, I was supposed to light candles at my aunt's wedding. I accidentally lit the groom on fire. FML
Today, while out shopping with friends, I was apphrehended by two bounty hunters because they recognized my purple-dyed hair. Too bad my name isn't Natalie, who apparently shares the same hair color. They didn't believe me, even after I showed my ID. FML
Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML
Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML
Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML
Today, the phone kept ringing so I picked it up and answered. When there was no response, it took a minute to realize that I was still in bed and talking to my hand. FML
Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML
Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML
Today, while driving to Nashville, I saw a bunch of wild turkeys huddled together on the side of the road. I was excited to point them out to my boyfriend, until I realized that the "wild turkeys" were in fact vultures, and that they were eating a dead deer. FML
Today, I went to visit my mother after many years. Her hoarding has gotten so bad that now the house is entirely filled with junk and garbage, and she is camping out in the jungle of a backyard, cooking on a cauldron over a fire and shitting in the compost pile, with no working heat or water. FML
Today, my brother tried cremating our deceased cat. In the oven. My nose has killed itself. FML
Today, I realized I need to get my life together after spilling ramen while taking a bath, again. FML
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