Today, despite all of the empty seats on the bus, a man sat next to me. So close to me that our legs touched. After a few moments of silence, he got closer and whispered in my ear, "You're so quiet." FML
Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML
Today, I spent six hours at the ER. Why? My husband dared our seventeen-year-old son to recreate a 'Jackass' trolley-hedge diving stunt at the local supermarket. What wasn't on my groceries list was a broken arm, fractured wrist, whiplash and cuts and bruises. FML
Today, while out with my boyfriend, I gave a beggar some cash, who then smiled at me and said to my boyfriend, "You have a beautiful little lady, take good care of her." Flattered, I hoped my boyfriend would agree with the compliment. He turned and said, "Hear that? He said you were little." FML
Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML
Today, my psychotic step-dad asked me if I'm doing drugs. I replied with a massive amount of sarcasm: "Yeah, all of 'em. Especially meth." He flipped out, searched my room top to bottom, then grounded me "for good" until I tell him where I hid the supposed drugs. FML
Today, I asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He smiled broadly and said "A porn star!" FML
Today, I got drunk, broke up with my girlfriend, and sent my grandma nude pics, thinking she was my girlfriend. Well, ex-girlfriend. FML
Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML
Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML
Today, my brother told my 3 year-old son that cool kids call their parents by their real names. This wouldn't be half as bad if he hadn't also convinced my son that my real name was Satan. FML
Today, my boyfriend was entertaining himself by shoving tampons up his nose and seeing how far across the bed he could blow them. This man is the father of my son. FML
Today, my goat decided my hairstyle was so last season and restyled it for me with his teeth. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She just grabbed the ring and said in a raspy voice, "My precious..." FML
Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML
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