30 ans Célibataire
Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML
Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML
Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML
Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML
Today, while having hot sex with my boyfriend, I was experiencing my very first orgasm. Right when my mother walked in. We had no blankets. FML
Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML
Today, I ran into my manipulative ex-boyfriend at a party. We were chatting and I mentioned that the guys I have been seeing lately all turn out to be jerks. He said, "Yeah well, you dumped me and don't deserve to be happy." Apparently he has been creeping and scaring off any guys interested in me. FML
Today, I just realized the harder my girlfriend comes during sex, the louder she snores after. I've tried earplugs but sometimes, like tonight, once I am up, I can't fall back to sleep. My choices are thus great sex and no sleep, or great sleep but no sex. FML
Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML
Today, my cousin and his fiancée took me to my first strip club experience. One of the strippers came over and danced for me. She pulled her thong string out and I tried to place the dollar in it with my mouth. I missed, to which she said "Put it in there, retard." FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had a picnic on the beach. It was so romantic and perfect. He leant forward to kiss me. Once we had kissed he said, "We haven't even started eating yet", and passed me a mint. FML
Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML
Today, I decided to wake my fiancé up by giving him a blowjob. When he finally started to wake up he called me by his ex's name. FML
Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML
Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was bored. During sex. FML
Today, I found out that using a certain hand sanitizer as masturbation lube will put you in the hospital and result in having to wear an adult diaper for a week. FML
Today, while driving with my step mother, she attempted to have phone sex with my dad. FML
Today, I actually heard my 14 year-old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML
Today, my boyfriend turned down a shower with me because he didn't want to get his hair wet. FML
Today, after I successfully blew up a really large balloon, my mom said, in front of my older brother's friends, "Wow, you're going to make some man really happy one day!" FML
Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and best friend. They are now having blood-curdling sex in our tent. My friend is also my ride home. FML
Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML
Today, my 16 year-old daughter tried to convince me that tampons don't actually work, all because she can still pee with one in. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, as a joke, I hid under my parents' bed, hoping to scare them when they came home. When they finally arrived, they burst through their bedroom door, tearing each other's clothes off. I had to keep my breath in time with my mom's panting and moaning as my dad brutally dominated her. FML
Today, my mom decided to take away my TV after noticing that I watch the show True Blood. Apparently, since I watch this, I must be "curious about sex." I'm 19. FML
Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML
Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML
Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because, "It's chicken, not salmon." FML
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