thiefik

Today, I found out that my mom is not only reading my mail, but she is also withholding letters from my bank, college, and insurance company. Why? Because "they could be inappropriate" for me to read. I'm 25. FML

Today, I called the college of my dreams to check the status of my application. Turns out they "never received" copies of my transcripts. They did however cash the $70 application fee that was mailed with them. FML

Today, while at the vending machine, I put in my $20 instead of my $1. I got my change back in quarters. FML

Today, I was pissed that I got a £60 parking ticket so rang my friend to rant about it. I then got pulled over by the cops for using my phone, and was fined £120. FML

Today, I learned that standing next to a hobo doesn't make me look better in comparison, but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well. FML

Unmotivational speaker

Today, I came downstairs disappointed thinking that my parents had forgotten my birthday. Turns out they didn't forget, they just couldn't be bothered to do anything for it. FML

The ole paper cut excuse

Today, I cut my finger deep on an envelope at work and started bleeding profusely. When I asked my co-worker for a band-aid, she told me to get back to work and stop making up excuses to try and hit on her. FML

Today, after informing my boss that I needed stress leave from my 70-hour-a-week shifts, I got my new work assignment. Sixty hours a week, starting at 2 a.m. FML

Today, my girlfriend's parents walked in on us having sex. Not only did her dad make me walk out to my truck with no clothes on, he is my baseball coach and I will be seeing him on Monday. FML

Communication breakdown

Today, I got a notice in the mail saying I had been fired from my job. My dad's the boss, who I happen to live with. FML

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

Captain Badass

Today, a man pulled me violently into an alleyway and informed me I was being mugged. Being a body-builder, I said, "Oh yeah? Go on then." He kicked my ass in a matter of seconds, stole my wallet, then farted on my bruised face. He called me a wimp. FML

Today, I went out for pizza with my boyfriend. He loaned me his debit card and loudly announced in front of everyone that his pin code was the numerical equivalent of "Fart", and repeated it twice, just in case I hadn't heard. FML

Today, I was in my car and stopped at a red light. A homeless woman then started to throw rocks at my car for no apparent reason. I drive a convertible. FML

Today, it's my birthday. I was excited because of all the wall posts I got on Facebook. Then I saw I got a "Happy Birthday" from the girl my boyfriend cheated on me with. FML

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

Today, my boyfriend fed me chocolate chip cookies with laxatives in them because he was concerned I did not poop enough. FML

Today, I found out that the mysterious smell from under my bed was my cats collection of dead mice. FML

Today, I desperately tried to explain to my boyfriend why he shouldn't talk about the Bible during sex. He honestly doesn't understand. FML

Thanks for all your help

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

Today, I killed a pigeon. It choked to death on a piece of bread I threw its way. FML

Today, I went to Subway with my girlfriend. Just as the time came for her to pay, she went to the car to grab her purse. She didn't come back. I found a note on the windshield saying, "It's over." FML

Today, I spilt a very hot cup of tea all over a burn I got yesterday from spilling a very hot cup of tea. FML

Today, the pipe in the dining room sink suddenly broke open and in about 15 minutes my entire apartment was turned into an indoor swimming pool. The worst part? I was there the entire time, playing video games with my headphones on. FML

Reset my life

Today, I updated my Facebook status as, "Lost all my contacts, need numbers". My mom commented, "Her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends." Her comment got 32 likes. FML

Today, my dad came to my graduate art show wearing a t-shirt saying "My other daughter is a science major". He'd had it specially made. FML

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML