Lincoln, NE, USA
Today, I found a phone in a fitting room. I called the number that said "home" to let the owner know that I was going to give it to the store's manager. Apparently the husband didn't know his wife was out shopping and "blowing all his earnings". FML
Today, I tried to overcome my shyness by warmly greeting the bus driver while entering it. I instead blurted out really loudly the words of the song my iPod was playing. FML
Today, trying to do a good deed, I gave a homeless guy a $10 bill. As I walked away, he yelled after me, "You fucking bitch!" FML
Today, at the DMV, I was told I had to prove, with a doctor's note, that I was an amputee and that my disability was permanent to get my placard. Apparently, placing my prosthetic leg on the counter wasn't proof enough, and is considered "threatening". The police were called. FML
Today, I was pulled over by a policeman. He thought I was drunk, after doing the "walk in a straight line" test and the "finger-to-nose" test. It wasn't until after I got a fine that I got it through to him that I have cerebellar ataxia, and that I wasn't drunk. FML
Today, I waited tables for the first time at my new restaurant job. I asked a group of older men what they would like. One replied, "A slice of that ass". I'm 19 and a guy. FML
Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML
Today, my father, who is not familiar with keyboards, had me register his new email account for him at the public library. His username choice? "Wang dang sweet poon tang". People heard. FML
Today, I excitedly told my husband that I'm pregnant with our first child. With the most shit-eating grin, he said, "Hi, Pregnant. I'm Dad." FML
Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML
Today, my dad told my girlfriend that she's the son he never had. FML
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