desijatt

Today, my brother and I woke up early to get a sneak peek at our Christmas presents. We found our parents having sex on the couch. FML

Lil' cutie

Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging about me to his friends, telling them I have a great smile, cute hair, and very perky tits. This wouldn't be so bad if we weren't both men. FML

You people are twisted!

Today, I took my son to the playground and watched him have fun. Minutes later, I was being shoved around and called a pedophile because I was there alone with no wife. By the time I convinced them I was innocent, my son was bawling. FML

Today, a girl asked me to check out her left breast, which she said she'd found a strange lump on. I'm an orthodontist. FML

Today, my girlfriend bought me a pet tarantula. I now have one of my biggest fears crawling around my house. FML

Today, a cute guy asked me if I was single. When I said yes, he said "Yeah, you look like the type", and walked away. FML

Congrats

Today, after constant avoidance, I saw the man who slept with my mother and caused my parents to get divorced. I desperately wanted to punch him in the face, but instead I had to smile and shake his hand as he gave me my diploma. FML

No gods, no masters

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate. It was his first time, which I guess explains him sticking his hand down my panties and practically bitch-slapping my vagina for the next 20 or 30 seconds. I stupidly faked an orgasm just to get him to stop. Now he thinks he's some kind of sex god. FML

Thanks, I hate it

Today, while shopping, I stepped a bit closer to a couple that stood in front of a display. The girl then shot me a nasty look, grabbed her boyfriend and started pointedly making out with him. I was just trying to buy some butter. But thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. FML

Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were, "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

Today, a cute girl I know in passing approached me very nervously and blushing like mad. She gave me a note with a number on it, said to call her, then ran away. When I called the number later, it was one of those rejection hotlines. What the hell? FML

Today, I realised there's a reason that no one talks to the weird guy from choir practice. I was nice to him a couple weeks ago and now he won't stop following me around the school and watching my group at lunch from behind a pole. FML

Empty gesture

Today, I bought lunch for my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. My uncle apparently felt uncomfortable at the restaurant, because he got up and flipped the table over before leaving. The bill tripled because of the broken glass, and my uncle called me up later for a ride. FML

Today, it's my birthday. My girlfriend gave me the present she'd bought for me. I said, joking, "I hope it's not a tie!" It was a tie. FML

Today, I was browsing the internet and I found a picture of my girlfriend on uglypeople.com. FML

Ally

Today, I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, who is going out with someone else now. At least I now know that he's gay. FML

Today, I went shopping with this girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend's parents. FML

Today, I regret that break we took. I thought it would lead him to realize that he wanted to stop cheating and flirting with other girls, and be with only me forever. Now I'm the girl he cheats on his girlfriend with. FML

Today, after taking a shower, I decided to weigh myself. Curious, I peered down. I couldn't see the scale. I am fat. FML

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy the Plan B pill. The pharmacist recognized me and said, "Really? Again?" FML

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

Today, after being in the hospital for two days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex-girlfriend. FML

Today, the 75 year old blinding owner of the bar I work at called me over and told me to fire "Rachel, the stupid c**t after the next wrong thing she does". My name is Rachel. FML

Creeped out

Today, my mother and I went to lunch and there is a really cute waiter that works at the diner. I requested him to wait on us like I sometimes do. While we were waiting to be seated, I heard one waiter say to the cute one, "Ya, the creepy one is back, and this time she brought her mom!" FML

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She gave me back the brand new box of 12 condoms that I had bought and left at her house. There were 8 left and I wasn't the one who opened them. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I were in the middle of a heavy make-out session when his cell rang. Normally, he'd ignore it. This time however he pushed me off of him and said "Shit! It's probably my girlfriend!" I thought I was his girlfriend. FML

Today, I woke up to find The Sims 2 running on pause on my laptop. I unpaused to find my character and my boyfriend's were no longer together. Slightly confused, I went on to find the note my boyfriend left. It said, "I hope you can take a hint." I got dumped through a computer game. FML