Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML
Today, I held a party for my family so I could announce my pregnancy. In the middle of my speech, my mother stopped me, saying, "Nobody gives a rat's ass, where's the booze?" FML
Today, my mom got a cat. I'm allergic to cats, so I politely asked my mom why she got it. Her response: "I want you to finally want to move out." I turned eighteen two weeks ago. FML
Today, the creepy kid on the bus saved me a seat again. Thinking he wanted to be friends, I followed him on twitter. He was doing a live video feed so I checked it out. It was of me. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to the doctor's for an ultrasound, as I'm 7 months pregnant. Then he went home and took his wife out to dinner for her birthday. FML
Today, I had to take my 15-year-old son to the hospital. He'd gone out dressed as some My Little Pony character and encountered someone who'd had the same idea. They then got into a fistfight, and my son got the shit beaten out of him. I wish I'd never bred. FML
Today, my sister brought a guy home while our parents were out. They had sex in her bedroom. I heard everything. The worst part wasn't her stupidly excessive moaning; it was that the moans sounded eerily similar to a cow mooing. FML
Today, I was finally all set to lose my virginity. My girlfriend pushed me onto the bed and pulled off my underwear. She then made a face as if she'd just sucked on a lemon, and got up and left without a word. I haven't heard from her since. FML
Today, I listened to my best friend describe having sex with her boyfriend in explicit detail. This would have been fine, but her boyfriend is my little brother. FML
Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML
Today, I was getting to second base with a really hot guy, but I couldn't stop laughing when he said my boobs were "soft like cake." He got so embarrassed that he lost his boner. FML
Today, I went on a first date, only for us to find the restaurant wasn't open on New Year's Day. My date suggested going to the mall instead. We drove in our own cars. Me: the mall, him: home. I waited for 40 minutes before realising he'd stood me up. Happy New Year to me. FML
Today, a week after my miscarriage, my little sister thought it appropriate to wrap her belt around her neck and scream, "Hey look, it's your baby!" FML
Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML
Today, I announced my pregnancy to my boss. I was expecting all sorts of reactions, except, "But... Erm... How did that happen?" FML
Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML
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