Today, I got a ransom note saying, "We have kidnapped your husband and won't release him unless you postpone the wedding." The wedding is tomorrow and it was in his handwriting. FML
Today, my car was keyed, while I was still sitting in it. FML
Today, I discovered the real reason my husband was distraught last week and has been acting moodily ever since. An attractive girl he was secretly having sex chats with online confessed to him that "she" was actually a guy. FML
Today, my evening was shot to hell when I found my pregnant wife on the floor, sobbing because we'd run out of cheese sticks. FML
Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML
Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML
Today, after years of frustration, I got a t-shirt printed that says, "I am a girl". FML
Today, I was taking the biggest shit of my life. When I worked the thing out, it hit the water with such force that I got a toilet water enema from the backwash. I was so freaked out that I screamed and fell off the seat, prompting my husband to rush in to see what was wrong. FML
Today, I met up with an old friend of mine who acts in a TV show. I hadn't seen him in a long time, but I'd been watching episodes of the show almost daily, so when he showed up I could only see him as his TV character and not as my friend. I ended up calling him by his character's name. FML
Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML
Today, my dad called me into the bathroom, saying, "Get a load of this shit, son" and forcing me to look at the biggest, foulest-smelling turd I have ever seen in my life in the toilet. It's been three hours and I still feel physically ill. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. After breaking the news to my parents, I heard my dad mutter when I left, "Damn it, I liked her better than him." My mother didn't protest. FML
Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML
Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML
Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML
Today, I wore a sexy nurse's outfit for a little roleplay with my boyfriend. After the main event, he said the sex was actually pretty bad and that he should file a medical malpractice lawsuit. Then he laughed at his own joke, got dressed, and went out for drinks. FML
Today, it was report card day at swimming lessons. Because it was the last day, a little girl brought me flowers. She was the only kid in that class who didn't pass. FML
Today, I came home early to surprise my wife. No, it's not what you're thinking: I didn't find her cheating on me. She wasn't even home, but my dad was. He'd used his spare key and was on my sofa, drinking my beer, and watching my TV. The first words out of his mouth? "Your beer's shit." FML
Today, I got my first compliment in over a year. It was from my gynecologist, saying I have a beautiful cervix. FML
Today, my eight-year-old microwaved our thermometer to see if the temperature would change. FML
Today, while working at my salon, I was cutting an older gentleman's hair. When he got up to leave, everyone noticed he had clearly pissed his pants. I felt bad for him until he laughed and said, "Here's your tip, have fun cleaning that up." FML
Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML
Today, my wedding venue called and canceled our reservation because we were double booked with a spaghetti bingo night, which they felt was more important. FML
Today, I worked my boyfriend's shift so he could stay home. I even brought him the free meal I got for helping out. Turns out he wanted to stay home so badly to cheat on me. FML
Today, my girlfriend of a month told me that the only thing keeping her from swallowing a bottle of pills is being in a relationship with me, because she doesn't handle breakups well. FML
Today, I went to class to take an important final for which I studied all week long and worked hard in class. Today, the teacher also told us that anyone who had an A did not have to take the final. I missed out on a trip to the Bahamas for this. FML
Today, I found out that my family and friends all laugh and compare me to Spongebob behind my back. Why? Because I'm 37 and still can't pass my driver's test. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML
Today, I was sick, and my voice was really low and raspy. A cute guy smiled at me and said hi, so I said hi too. He looked shocked and said, "Sorry bro, thought you were a girl." I am. FML
Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform her, I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML
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