Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walked out to the living room, and told my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He said no, then pretended to fall asleep. FML
Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML
Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend wants to move in with me is so he has better internet connection and won't get kicked off of Xbox live while playing MW2. FML
Today, my grad student husband was unusually frisky in the middle of the day. I took the opportunity and we had an enjoyable afternoon romp. Afterward, I asked him what had gotten him in such a good mood. He replied, "I'd do just about anything to get out of doing my homework." FML
Today, my fiancé admitted to me that the only reason he's attracted to me and asked me to marry him is because I look and act like his favorite anime character. FML
Today, I walked to school in - 5°C degree weather, snow up to ankles, for an exam. The school had closed and warned all the parents, but mine didn't tell me, because it was "funnier". FML
Today, while trying to act sober in front of my parents when I got home, I threw up on my mom's shoe. FML
Today, while my boyfriend was inside me, he got a text message. He actually stopped thrusting to reply. FML
Today, the sweetest thing my boyfriend ever told me was that I'd make a good porn star. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML
Today, I was told that I will never be able to have children. Thankfully for my husband, his girlfriend sure can. FML
Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML
Today, I got a call from my long distance girlfriend. She's about a month pregnant. I haven't seen her in person for six months, but she still insists it's mine. I don't know which would be worse: her lying or her being that stupid. FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML
Today, I was on my first blind date. We went to a fancy restaurant in the middle in the city. After using the bathroom, I came back to an empty table. He stole my purse and left. FML
Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML
Today, during my honeymoon, my wife and I finally went scuba-diving. My nose was too big to fit in the face goggles, so I couldn't go. My wife went without me anyway. FML
Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML
Today, I got stuck listening to my coworker bang on about how sexy her fiancé is for almost an hour. She told me about their sex life, described his dick in great detail, and showed me pictures of him shirtless. My coworker is 49; her fiancé is 56 and overweight. FML
Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML
Today, I took my mom to Victoria's Secret to help her find a bra. She made me try one on to see if it looked good on me. Turns out we have the same cup size. I'm a guy. FML
Today, I was having a great time shopping with my gran, until she started complaining about all the foreigners ruining our town, and counting each person who didn't look 100% British. It wouldn't even have been so bad if I wasn't adopted into the family, from Russia. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML
Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML
Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML
Today, I finally got intimate with the girl I like. As I started lifting her shirt, she stuck her hand down my pants and grabbed my junk. She immediately stopped what she was doing, snickered, and calmly said, "Take me home." FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML
Today, my co-workers agreed that I was the one causing the elevator to be over its weight limit. When I protested, saying that I only weigh around 150 pounds, one asked me if that included the weight of my wheelchair. They made me get out. FML
Today, I was at a shooting range with my father. The target was a creepy poster of a man. My father said, "This one is for your boyfriend." Perfect groin shot. FML
Today, while in the car with my mom, she gave me a lecture about how bad of a driver I am. During that process she ran a red light and hit a car. FML
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