Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML
Today, I woke up from a dream in which my girlfriend gave birth to a litter of puppies. I can't even look at her now without getting nauseous. FML
Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML
Today, I came home from a stay at my girlfriend's place. My little brother stepped on my bag and accidentally switched my vibrator on. I told him the buzzing sound was my electric toothbrush. He went to the bathroom and came back with the toothbrush. He won't stop asking what's in my bag. FML
Today, the nine year old girl I was babysitting got the hiccups, so I told her to drink some water upside down to cure them. She ended up vomiting on the floor. FML
Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML
Today, I happily announced to my parents that I'm pregnant. My dad later handed me a printout containing a list of nearby abortion clinics. FML
Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML
Today, my doctor died. Last week, after a check up I'd had because I was worried about a cough, he told me not to worry because I was as healthy as he was. FML
Today, I met my fiancé's much older sister for the first time. Turns out she is actually my old high school English teacher who used to make me cry at least 3 times a week. It's been three hours and I've accidentally called her Miss Willow 4 times and been reduced to tears twice. FML
Today, I watered a dying communal plant. I was fined $250 for littering. FML
Today, I was diagnosed with depression. My girlfriend's idea of consoling me was to break up with me because she can't date a "psycho". FML
Today, I let my 9-year-old daughter use my tablet while I made her dinner. A few minutes later, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Turned out she'd searched for My Little Pony pictures and stumbled upon a drawing of Rainbow Dash giving another pony a blowjob. FML
Today, I finally got the results of months of extensive psychological testing to determine why I did so well in my course but performed so terribly on the job. Turns out I'm autistic. FML
Today, someone left sticky notes with inspirational messages on everyone's locker. Well, almost everyone. My locker was the only one without a note. FML
Today, my idiot kid brother set my shirt on fire with a magnifying glass while I was taking a nap outside. FML
Today, the priest at my wedding farted. Everyone thought it was me. The guests, my bride, even the priest himself looked at me in disgust before continuing. FML
Today, I discovered that my 100-pound Rottweiler is absolutely terrified of (drumroll please) orange peels. Yup. A byproduct of my lunch will turn this hulking monolith with teeth into a whimpering puddle of pee. FML
Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML
Today, my boyfriend has been sulking like a moody kid all day, all because I won't set my phone background to a picture of his dick. FML
Today, I showed my daughter video footage from a security camera that showed her using her employee key to enter the store I own, disarming the alarm, and stealing several very valuable items. Her defense? That someone had "photoshopped" the video. We'll see how that goes down in court. FML
Today, for the first time in my life, a girl hit on me. Specifically, a lesbian who thought I was a girl. FML
Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML
Today, my neighbor pointed at me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML
Today, I dropped my toothbrush. Because I have the spatial awareness of a mentally-retarded gnat, I hit my head against the sink as I bent down to get it. Then I did the same on the way back up, almost KO'ing myself. My boyfriend saw the whole thing and nearly pissed himself laughing. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and filmed it, because it would "be a big hit on YouTube." FML
Today, I received a call from my wife. It would've been great if she hadn't left on a business trip three years ago. FML
Today, my roommate remembered that we have an essay due Monday, so he wrote the full essay, while stoned, in less than an hour, without using his textbook. It was better than the one I spent all week writing. He is now upstairs having sex, and I've lost all motivation. FML
Today, I slipped in my own vomit while dashing to the bathroom to puke. My knee hit and shattered the toilet; the toilet shattered my knee. FML
Vous voulez la partager avec les autres utilisateurs de VDM ?
Votre VDM a bien été soumise, elle devrait apparaître en modération bientôt !
Vous pouvez publier votre VDM sur Reddit, elle sera automatiquement publiée sur la communauté.
Poster ma VDM sur Reddit
