Today, my sister came out of the closet. By which I mean she came out as the pregnant mother of my boyfriend's child. FML
Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML
Today, my son invited me to his first standup comedy gig. I accepted, only to later suffer through an hour of the worst jokes I've heard in my entire life. It was so bad, he made Dane Cook look like a comic genius, and I had to resist heckling him. Hours later, I still feel vaguely suicidal. FML
Today, the pills my doctor prescribed for my extremely painful period cramps apparently have a side effect; excruciatingly painful cramps. I feel like I'm being repeatedly stabbed in the ovaries with a rusty fork. FML
Today, while trying to comfort my little brother who just injured his leg, I tripped and sprained my ankle. At least he was amused. FML
Today, I got a notice from the housing association, if I don't water my lawn I will be charged a $150 fine. Yet if I do water my lawn the city with charge me a $150 fine because of the drought. FML
Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML
Today, at a party that was pretty big, I thought it would be funny to photobomb a photo. In doing so, I slipped over and snapped my arm in. I may now have to get surgery. The good thing is I made a hell of a photobomb. FML
Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML
Today, my cat managed to digest some of the grass she ate. This makes her poop come out daisy-chained, and sometimes leaves a piece dangling from her ass on a string of grass. Then she runs around like crazy until it falls off, if possible on my bed. I had to catch her and pull it out by hand. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML
Today, my father contacted me for the first time in years to ask about my upcoming wedding, and possibly walking me down the aisle. He claimed the only reason he left was because he thought I'd be gay. I am. FML
Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML
Today, as I was getting out of the car, my 7-year-old son opened the door for me. I thought it was very gentlemanly of him to do that, until he smashed my thumb with the car door. FML
Today, I watched a large, sweaty woman stick a hairbrush down her shirt to scratch a rash on her back, before putting it back on the shelf. FML
Today, my husband cheated on me. In my house. While I was home. FML
Today, it turned out the twit I've been overcharging for drinks in my bar for wearing shades indoors is actually blind. FML
Today, I bought my girlfriend a cat. I now have a cat and no girlfriend. FML
Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing, and cut through the headphone wire. FML
Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML
Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML
Today, I finally decided to accept a date proposal from a guy who's had a crush on me for years. I got into his car, and it smelled strongly of my middle school perfume. I went into his bedroom and saw my middle school class photos hanging everywhere. Let's just say I ran home that night. FML
Today, I found out that my favorite pizza place will no longer deliver to my area after dark because they've been robbed too many times. FML
Today, I really had to use the airplane lavatory. After I'd finished, the flight attendants continuously sprayed air freshener for two minutes. FML
Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. Thirty minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML
Today, I had one more gift to buy: a copy of Fight Club. I asked a person working at Best Buy if they had any in stock. The man wouldn't sell me the last copy because I had broken the first two rules. FML
Today, I finally started my job as an in-home caregiver. The man I was hired to care for died two hours after I made it to his house. FML
Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML
Today, I came home from a two-week vacation. When I walked into my house, I found cat poop everywhere. It took me several hours to clean it all up, and the house still smells terrible. The worst part is that I've never owned a cat in my life. FML
Today, my school took part in a standardized state test. After finishing, I decided to take a nap, only to be awoken by the test monitor, who wanted me to leave. Apparently, I was ferociously farting in my sleep and was disturbing the people still taking the test. FML
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