Mademoiselle Philadelphia 28 ans
Today, I went on a first date to the movies. During the flick, I choked on a piece of popcorn. I took a gulp of soda and that got stuck as well. I finally got my breath back and let out the loudest burp I ever have. He looked at me and said, "Does this mean I can fart now?" FML
Today, I caught my husband modeling my cute floral panties. All he could manage to say was "I love you." FML
Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML
Today, I was on MSN when the conversation died. So I lied and told them I had to go get ready for a party, and that everyone was expecting me there. I spent the rest of the night playing The Sims. FML
Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML
Today, I found out that my husband's secretary named her new baby boy after my husband. Everyone at the office thinks it's funny. My husband says it's a coincidence. FML
Today, I found out the real reason why me and my boyfriend of four and a half months have "so much in common". He used to be my stalker, who followed me around in a black hoodie and always posted stuff on my Myspace as an anonymous person. FML
Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML
Today, I started my first day of work at my new job. They had a section in the parking lot for employees only, so I parked there. Apparently, my boss didn't recognize my car, and had it towed. FML
Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML
Today, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend I still love, and his new girlfriend, who he cheated on me with. Embarrassingly, she was wearing the same top as me. However hers was in size 6, unlike my 16. FML
Today, it's my birthday. Out of loneliness, I went to order some flowers and a cake "for a friend". The guy who delivered it to my house was the same guy from the counter. FML
Today, I surprised my boyfriend by buying him an expensive watch for his birthday. He responded with "Aww, you could've just given me head, babe." FML
Today, I received a fine for leaving my car at the airport. Each day it's been there, they added an additional $50. My car was stolen two weeks ago. FML
Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, who had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML
Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML
Today, I had to admit that I hate the wedding dress that I've designed. My wedding is in a week. FML
Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML
Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML
Today, while I was having sex, he stopped, looked at me all seriously and said, "Permission to climax, ma'am?" FML
Today, a man asked about fishing in the river that flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML
Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML
Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML
Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML
Today, for our anniversary, I sang my boyfriend a heartfelt, self-written song. The first thing he said when I finished was "Your fly is open." FML
Today, my girlfriend said she was going to start appreciating the little things in life. She's starting with my penis. FML
Today, the girl I've been seeing for just over a week casually let me know that she'll slash her wrists if I ever leave her. FML
Today, while cleaning my son's room, I found an envelope labelled "PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL" under his bed. I opened it, only to find it was a glitter bomb. I couldn't get it all cleaned off myself before he got home. He just said "HAH! Serves you right!" and went to his room smirking. FML
Today, I slipped on some ice and wrecked my back. When my husband and I went to go to bed, he begged me to take one of the pain pills left over from his recent surgery. Not so I could feel better and get some rest, but so he could have sex. FML
Today, while on the train heading to my new job, my coat caught between two seats. I didn't notice until my stop. I whacked myself in the face in front of everyone trying to get it free, and ended up missing my stop. When I finally got to work, I was told not to bother coming in again. FML
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