Mademoiselle Vancouver, USA 31 ans Célibataire
Today, my 12-year-old sister watched Frozen. She's spent the last two hours playing the song Let It Go on high volume, over and over, and in different languages. I now have a skull-splitting headache, and my dad just sarcastically told me to "let it go." FML
Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML
Today, I met a cute guy, and everything went great. After a while, he asked me for my number and I gave it to him. Now he won't stop texting me, asking for pictures of my toes. FML
Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML
Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend four months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML
Today, I woke up to an old lady right outside my open window, saying "Hello in there! Are you sleepy?" I was so startled that I answered her. She screamed. Turns out she's my neighbour's elderly mother, didn't know I was in there, and was talking to my cat. FML
Today, at Walmart, I overheard a lady telling a teenage girl that the secret to keeping a guy for life is giving him anal, but that it's important to clean your "shitter" beforehand. I can't believe these kinds of sick freaks actually exist. FML
Today, my mom and I made the bad decision to go hiking for some mother-daughter bonding even though we had little experience. My mother tumbled down a mountain named Tumbledown and I couldn't even enjoy the irony because I had to half carry her all the way back to the car. FML
Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML
Today, I realized that my new haircut makes me look like a movie star. Not Scarlett Johansson, no. I look like Lord Farquaad. FML
Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML
Today, my 6-year-old daughter barged into the bathroom while I was peeing, inspected the toilet and said, "You're well hydrated, good job." FML
Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML
Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML
Today, I took my 6-year-old son to visit his grandmother, as the doctors say she only has days left to live. Minutes after we arrived, he leaned in close and told her that she's going to hell. FML
Today, an ultrasound tech complimented me on my "exceptionally full bladder." That's probably the best compliment I've received this week. FML
Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say, "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML
Today, my boyfriend's idiotic friend shoved me into a stream so I could be "reunited" with my family, since my name is River. The first thing I saw as I climbed out, soaking wet, was my boyfriend high-fiving his friend. FML
Today, it was my first day working at a library. I expected it to be fun and peaceful, not to end up having to call the cops on a guy who started jerking off into a book. FML
Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML
Today, I went on a fabulous date with a really cute, smart, funny guy. He only mentioned his dad, so when I asked about his mom, I asked if they were divorced. She'd died of breast cancer so I felt awful. Then I asked if his dad had ever remarried. His stepmom had died of cancer too. FML
Today, I was singing along to my favorite song when a giant bug flew into my mouth. I was so shocked, I almost swallowed it. After I was done freaking out, my sister wanted to throw the bug a big funeral for its "heroic sacrifice" in shutting me up. FML
Today, an hour into a family road trip, my mother informed me that she didn't put my suitcase in the car because it "didn't fit". FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wasn't feeling our two-month relationship was up to par with his parents' 30-year marriage, and, furthermore, I wasn't similar enough to his mother. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. It got hot and intense and we were really into it, until she blurted out, "Oh baby, rub your penis against mine". FML
Today, I discovered that I am just tall enough and my hair is just long enough, to get caught in the ceiling fan if I flip it over to dry it. FML
Today, I fed my 4ft python a live rat for the first time. He now has a new friend he won't let me near. FML
Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML
Today, my 4-year-old son's daycare called because he kissed a few girls. They explained he can't walk up and kiss little girls. I thought the situation was under control, until I was called an hour later to remove him from the premises for kissing little boys. FML
Today, it's been 2 days since my boyfriend "accidentally" slipped into the wrong hole while continuing to hammer me at full speed. I still can't poop or even walk right. FML
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