Mademoiselle melbourne, Australia Célibataire
Today, I came home from a knee surgery. I asked my mother to get me a glass of water. She replied, "You can get it, you're not crippled. Oh wait, yeah you are!" and laughed hysterically. FML
Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML
Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. In an ambulance. On the way to the hospital after being T-boned at an intersection. FML
Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML
Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML
Today, I went to the beach with my boyfriend and family. My sister coyly pointed out the scratch marks down his back, hoping to embarrass me in front of my parents. The marks weren't from me. FML
Today, I exchanged pictures with a guy I met online, whose devotion to his family really impressed me. In his picture, he was wearing clown makeup, holding a huge knife to his throat with one hand, and an ICP album in the other. All this with a psychopathic grin on his face. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML
Today, I had my end of year physics exam. I wasn't sure about some stuff, so I hid my notes and textbook in the bathroom. Halfway through, I got up, went to the bathroom, and as soon as I picked up the book, forgot what I was looking for. I can't even cheat right. FML
Today, my dad got drunk and played a practical joke on me; a practical joke that resulted in my knee being broken. Now, I'm sitting in a hospital bed all alone while my dad hunts for "hot nurses". FML
Today, my girlfriend got a tattoo of a Rainbow Dash over her pubic mound. Now whenever I go down on her, I'll be eye-to-eye with an adorable pony that shits rainbows. FML
Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML
Today, I woke up to a nude picture of my girlfriend. Once I looked at it my morning wood went away. FML
Today, my dad was driving me home and was angrily explaining how my boyfriend was a bad influence and that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. After finally convincing him to give him another chance, we stopped at a traffic light just in time to see my boyfriend being chased by police. FML
Today, I started a sport journalism degree. I was the only woman out of 60 students. The lecturer started talking about how we should all aspire to become sports editors of national newspapers. Later, he said women have no chance of ever becoming sports editors. FML
Today, I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. I was the first one to walk down the aisle, where I managed to trip over a wire, shutting off the music and falling on my face. My family cheered and took pictures. FML
Today, I had eight teeth removed in preparation for getting my braces fitted. My winter break will now consists of barely being able to sleep or eat, tasting blood, and looking like a goofy-ass chipmunk. FML
Today, after a particularly difficult late night workout at the gym, I decided to shower in the locker room. I must have passed out, because I later woke up naked, surrounded by police after someone called to report a dead body in the shower. FML
Today, I spoke to my hormonal pregnant wife about baby names. I told her I liked the name "Tabitha", and she went into a full rage about how all letters have textures, colours and emotions and how T is an evil letter. Apparently it's orange, plastic, and a needle trying to stab her eyes out. FML
Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML
Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML
Today, an idiot decided it would be fun to light up a firecracker in front of our house. It ended with firetrucks, a black yard, and yet somehow the weeds survived. FML
Today, on my first day at a new job, my boss asked how old I was. I replied, "Eighteen." She responded that she was my age thirty years ago, which makes her the same age as my mum. When I told her, she gave me a puzzled look, so I repeated myself. She was my age thirteen years ago, not thirty. FML
Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML
Today, I had to use my friend's toilet. His pretty cute sister was in the kitchen adjoining the bathroom, so I smiled and said hi on my way through. I then had the loudest and most vile-sounding shit of my life. FML
Today, after weeks of agonising, I told my best friend (who I am madly in love with) that I loved her. She said, "Me too, you're like a brother and a best girlfriend rolled into one!" FML
Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my arms. I got up quickly to grab the phone. My numb left arm rocketed and punched me in the (now cut) lip, which threw me off balance, making me smash my (now bloody) nose off of the headboard. It was a telemarketer. FML
Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML
Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML
Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML
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