EllaJSwiftie

Thanks!

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, dropped a condom on the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!" FML

Beach body

Today, I was at the beach with friends and I fell asleep while I was tanning. When I woke up, everyone was laughing hysterically. I asked what was so funny, and one of my friends replied, "You farted so loud in your sleep that you woke yourself up." FML

Smoke 'em if you've got 'em

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of the smell of marijuana in the house. So I confessed and told her I'll never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML

Multitasking

Today, my boyfriend of 8 months dumped me over the phone in between telling the Subway employees what he wanted on his sandwich. FML

Today, I was exercising, laid on my back, lifting weights over my head. My boyfriend thought it would be funny to casually sit by my feet and suddenly tickle them mercilessly. Caught off guard, I started wiggling, laughed and dropped the weights. On my face. FML

Today, I realized that I hadn't shaved in so long that when the wind blew, the hairs on my legs moved in the breeze. FML

Today, I sneezed in the shower. When I got out, I got a text from my creepy old neighbor saying "Bless you". FML

Health hazard

Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me he likes having sex during my period because it makes him feel like he stabbed a small animal to death. FML

Today, my mom informed me that she saw me sleepwalking last night. I didn't think much of it, until I remembered that I went to bed without any clothes on last night. FML

Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML

Sorry for asking…

Today, my grandma told me to fuck off when I tried to help her with the dishes. FML

Today, my uncle died. It was also my grandpa's 85th birthday. His reaction to the death? "Best birthday gift ever!" FML

Milking it

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML

Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for Christmas. He then told me that he would only tell me if I promised not to get mad, so I agreed. He told me that he wants me to start working out because I'm getting fat. FML

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend on the phone. The subject of abuse came up and I told her that if her father ever hurt her I would cut his dick off. The next thing I hear is, "Don't say shit you can't back up!" Her father had picked up the phone the moment I'd said it. FML

Today, I was walking home from the gym. I was thinking about how proud of myself I was for losing 34 pounds when someone yelled from a car window, "Look at that fat lump!" FML

Today, I discovered that not only is my live-in mother-in-law a fan of Lady Gaga, she dances around the house naked to fully embrace the music. FML

Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

How could you?

Today, my boyfriend told me he wouldn't have sex with me because yesterday I ate a sandwich in his bed and got crumbs in it. FML

Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML

Today, I came home crying and informed my mother that someone had called me a 'fat bitch' today. She held me at arms length, looked me straight in the eyes, and lovingly said, "You can't change who you are." FML

Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

Today, my mom asked me to help pick out clothes for my grandma to wear in her casket. I didn't know she'd died. FML

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML