EllaJSwiftie

Today, I heard my daughter scream at my son through the bathroom door, "Are you jacking off in there or something?" and him scream back at her "Shut up you fucking cunt!" My daughter is 7 and my son is 8. FML

Today, was my boyfriend's birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

Today, a friend of mine told me that he knew I was into kinky sex, "like getting tied up." I just stared at him, spluttering simple question words and wondering how on earth he could possibly know that about me. I then realized that he had been joking. Too late. FML

Today, I thought it would be sexy to cook dinner in lingerie. Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to scare me while I was cooking. I jumped and burned my boobs with boiling cooking oil. FML

Nice timing

Today, I went to my grandfather's funeral. As I stood there, bawling my eyes out, my aunt came over and put her arm around me. She leaned her head close to mine. I assumed she was going to say something comforting. Instead she asked where I'd bought my shoes from. FML

Today, I found out that I puke and then pass out at the sight of blood. I am a 16 year old girl expecting hundreds of periods to come. FML

Not much better

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend in which she broke up with me. I was upset, but one minute later another text from her said, "Sorry, wrong person." FML

Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML

SHAME!

Today, I urgently needed to use the bathroom at my boyfriend's house. When I went to flush, it wouldn't go down the pipes. After about ten panic-filled minutes, I noticed the cat litter box. I carefully scooped out my logs, and buried them in the cat litter. FML

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a little guy walked up and flirted with her. I'm a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a little push and said "Back off". He's actually not weak at all. I've got a black eye and a girlfriend who won't stop laughing to prove it. FML

Today, I came home from work and found my house egged, and bricks thrown through my windows. I called the police, and submitted a report. Later that night, I heard the doorbell ring. Nobody was at the house, but there was a note saying "Sorry, wrong house". FML

Today, I noticed that I've been spelling my company's name wrong in my email signature for over a year. FML

Revelation time

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

User error

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

Today, my mom asked me to clean beneath my brother's bed for money. I found a rotten apple, a picture of my best friend, and a dead bird. I got $10. FML

Today, while in bed with my game-obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

Today, I lied to my crush telling him I can play the piano. To 'prove' it, I recorded a video on my phone of a girl playing a beautiful piece. After I sent it, I realized my mouse cursor was in the center of the page the entire time. FML

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML

Today, my 18 year-old daughter comes home, telling me she has been fired from her job at McDonalds. The reason? They had iCarly Happy Meal toys and she couldn't resist stealing one. FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of five months is pregnant. Apparently, she stopped taking her pill two months ago because "we" wanted a baby. I don't recall ever having that discussion with her. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML

Today, someone gave me 13 dollar bills. I rejected one because I'm very superstitious about the unlucky 13. Later, I waited half an hour in the car for someone to bring me exactly 1 dollar because I did not have enough for the parking fee. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML

Today, I was supposed to take a test, but the professor didn't have it ready because he went to a concert last night. I sold my own tickets to that very concert in order to study for the test. FML

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML