Mademoiselle Muiden, The Netherlands Compliqué
Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML
Today, my dog ran away. It was dark, so I couldn't see very well, but I ran after him anyway. Thinking I had caught up to him, I grabbed him. It wasn't my dog. It was a skunk. FML
Today, my balls were stepped on while I was taking a nap in the park. The man said he didn't see me lying there. I was wearing a neon orange jacket. FML
Today, my mother came into my room and had a thirty minute long conversation with me. She kept looking very nervous and uncomfortable. Only after she left did I realize that a porn site was open on my computer screen. The entire time. FML
Today, I woke up, showered, and began brushing my teeth. When I started to brush my tongue I gagged, like usual, and threw up a little. What's unusual? I threw up a cockroach. FML
Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet for an x-ray. They found three dollar coins in his stomach. The surgery to remove them is $600. FML
Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML
Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML
Today, after three days of getting stared at by my neighbour from the window, I realized that she wasn't alive anymore. FML
Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML
Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML
Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were talking about childhood memories. He told me about a girl he used to make fun of in middle school. That was me. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time. His response was to smile and pat me on the head. FML
Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML
Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML
Today, I was so bored that I began searching for videos of people popping their pimples. FML
Today, my boyfriend informed me that my vagina reminds him of ham. But that's okay, because ham is his favorite food. FML
Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML
Today, I blushed when a fortune cookie said, "You have the attitude of a winner." My self esteem is that low. FML
Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML
Today, my dad made a new house rule: "If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down." My whole house now smells like piss. FML
Today, I got my hands on some meet and greet passes for a concert. My fiancé and I got our picture taken with the band. A few moments later, in my excitement, instead of texting the picture to my friend, I accidentally deleted it. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant, and I saw my friend. When we made eye contact, I made a creepy face at her and twitched my arms to make her laugh. A woman looked over said sadly, "Oh my God, that poor girl!" She thought I was "special." FML
Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML
Today, I picked up my daughter from preschool. Her teacher handed me her nap blankets and mentioned there was an extra article of clothing I might want to take home. I looked in-between the blankets and saw a pair of my giant granny panties that had gotten mixed in with her stuff. FML
Today, I watched as my neighbor walked to my front lawn, looked me right in the eye, and pissed on my mailbox. FML
Today, I took a picture in front of my bathroom mirror and posted it on Facebook. When I checked it later, it had 20 comments on the picture. I was feeling good until I read the comments and looked at the picture again. I'd left my vibrator on the the bathroom counter. FML
Today, the "My body is beautiful" t-shirt that my therapist gave me didn't fit. FML
Today, I couldn't find my hairbrush anywhere; I ended up having to brush my hair with a fork. FML
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