Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML
Today, I went to my doctor. I casually asked him why I keep getting headaches after I masturbate. He said it probably was a sign from God. FML
Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML
Today, I chipped a tooth trying to solve a Rubik's Cube. FML
Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML
Today, while waiting for my mom to pick me up from university, I took out my phone and pretended to talk to someone. I didn't think people still pointed and laughed, but apparently they do when your mom pulls up and shouts, "Stop pretending to talk to someone." FML
Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML
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