chesha

Today, my mom went to court to finalize her divorce. I would have felt sorry for her, had this not been her 7th husband. FML

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

Today, my boss threatened to fire me for killing him in Minecraft. FML

Today, I walked in on my sister masturbating with my curling iron. FML

Today, I went to the gynecologist. In the waiting room they had decorative words that spelled out "Relax" and "Enjoy". FML

Today, while I was eating cereal, my mother thought it would be appropriate to grab the bowl and start spoon-feeding me while making airplane noises, again. I'm 19. FML

Today, I woke up to a very unpleasant feeling. Apparently, the tattoo I got on my arm a couple of days ago attracted hundreds of ants during its healing process. They were literally carrying away pieces of my skin. I can not get the feeling or image out of my head. FML

Today, I found out that my grandma is a well-loved member of a notorious biker gang. Meanwhile, I'm a 32-year-old, single, minimum-wage nobody with no friends to speak of. She's probably getting more action than I ever will. FML

Not the smartest

Today, I was watching a movie on TV. One of the characters has the same name as my dog, and when his name was called, my dog got so excited that he jumped face-first into my TV. FML

Kids will be kids

Today, my daughter told me she is pregnant. The father is the foreign exchange student who just moved back to Germany. FML

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

Today, I ate some amazing homemade brownies that my best friend's wife made for us. She waited till I'd shoved a third one into my mouth before she mentioned she made them with breast milk. Knowing her, I don't even doubt it was true. FML

Today, I woke up to every window in my house packed with snow. It was so bad that I thought I'd been snowed-in, and I started freaking out. It took two hours and multiple phone calls before I found out that my neighbor had taken our prank war too seriously and staged the whole thing. FML

Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML

Today, my daughter started speaking with hashtags. I told her to knock it off, to which she replied, "You don't get it, mom - hashtag white girl probs." Hashtag FML

Today, I was called by the counselor to discuss my "issues". She told me that other students had reported to her that they saw scars on my arms. I don't cut, I just have a hormonal and aggressive parrot who sees me as his personal tree. FML

Little shit

Today, I asked my 5-year-old nephew to clean up his mess of toys. He responded by kicking my foot. My bandaged foot which was still recovering from my surgery last week. I'm probably going to need another operation to fix the damage. FML

Today, despite all of the pictures and proof of my fiancé, my parents still think I have an imaginary boyfriend. They met him, and were there when he proposed. They think it's all a joke. FML

Today, my dog found out how to turn my Xbox off. So whenever he wants attention, guess what he does. FML

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

Too little, too late

Today, I went to the health department to get on some birth control. I left the health department without birth control, and with the news that I'm pregnant. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally succeeded in unhooking my bra with one hand, excitedly exclaiming, "Boobies be free!" FML

Musical interlude

Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML

Today, I learned that no matter how much you want the Nutella, it's never a good idea to deep-throat the knife. FML

Today, I had a music duet in front of a crowd and 3 judges. I play tuba and my partner plays the saxophone. He burst out laughing in the middle of it because one note that I played sounded like a fart. FML

Technically Spanish

Today, in the middle of a Spanish oral exam, I started to panic. My teacher suggested that I should say whatever popped into my head. I blurted out, "Heeey Macarena!" FML

Today, while mowing, I found a baby bunny and took a picture of it. 20 minutes later, I accidentally ran over said bunny with the mower. FML

Today, I found out what it feels like to be slapped in the face with a potted cactus. FML