Mademoiselle 28 ans En couple
Today, my little brother texted me informing me that our father has "become a nudist" since returning home from a month-long trip abroad. I thought he was joking or exaggerating, but when I went over to say hi, the first thing I saw upon walking through the door was my dad's droopy ball sac. FML
Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML
Today, a friend and I drove all the way from Texas to a small town in Colorado to spend an entire uninterrupted night together. Not only did he forget to bring condoms but everything was closed by the time we got into town. We ended up playing cards on the bed instead. FML
Today, my boss called me into his office. He had a huge smile on his face, so I assumed I was going to get promoted. He then sat down, and told me that he had been sleeping with my wife for the last three months. He still had a huge smile on his face. FML
Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML
Today, I got my renewed driver's license. It clearly indicates 'Sex: F'. My beard and penis beg to differ. FML
Today, I had to look up how to eat a mango on the internet. FML
Today, I woke up with bruised nipples because apparently my boyfriend likes to excessively play with them while I sleep. FML
Today, my 5 month old son decided that my lip ring was a toy. Thinking it would be ok, I let him touch it. He got his finger caught and pulled his hand back. The lip ring is still in, but now I have a huge gaping hole in my face. FML
Today, I woke up and felt that my arm was sore. I got so drunk last night, I got an unprofessional tattoo of a penis. FML
Today, I took a picture of my knob on my girlfriend's cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML
Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML
Today, I found out that my husband of five years was living a double life. He and his mistress have two children together and a third one on the way. He told me the only reason he stayed with me was for my money. I make about 8 dollars an hour and work two jobs to make ends meet. FML
Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML
Today, I noticed that my neighbor's house has a clear view of my daughter's bathroom. There is a telescope in his window. FML
Today, I chuckled at a "No Smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend for the first time in a while. When he came over we realized that we had not only gotten the same haircut, but we were also wearing the same sweater. We are a matching old couple at 17. FML
Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML
Today, my best friend decided she wanted to tell my boyfriend about the time I pissed myself laughing at her house. When she was telling the story I ended up laughing so hard, that I pissed myself again. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML
Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML
Today, I took some new allergy medicine I had never tried before, and I didn't bother reading the side effects. I then went to school. It was almost an hour before dismissal when I had felt a warm feeling on my legs. One of the side effects to my new medicine was bladder control problems. FML
Today, the airport security guard told me to lift my fat rolls so he could finish patting me down. FML
Today, a friend of mine came to my house with tears in her eyes. I thought she was finally single so I could ask her out. Actually, her mother found out she was dating a girl, so she wants me to be her fake boyfriend as a cover-up. At least we're "dating" now. FML
Today, I was babysitting for my mum's friend. I put her little boy on my knee, and he kept pulling at my top. I asked him "are you hungry?" He replied "No, I want to see your titties." FML
Today, while moving, I asked my wife where she put the alcohol. She told me she threw it out, because it was old. It was Scotch. It's supposed to be old. FML
Today, my husband discovered that whispering anything in my ear will turn me on. He turned to me and whispered 'cheeseburger' in my ear. Unfortunately, I moaned. Now he now laughs about it with our roommate. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me singing "Bohemian Rhapsody", while spinning in circles with the cat in my arms. I thought I was home alone. FML
Today, I was working on my family genealogy. I found out that my best friend's great-grandfather murdered my great-grandfather. FML
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