RudyH621

EMERGENCY

Today, my daughter called 911. Why? Because she couldn't get the images to show up on her phone. She's 12. FML

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

Today, I finally went to the hospital for a week-long migraine. A few Saturdays ago I went to the park to play frisbee with my friends and coworkers. While climbing a fence, I fell and hit my head twice. Turns out I have a severe concussion and a swollen brain. FML

Big Brother

Today, an old fling said she regretted her previous choice and wanted to try again, so I happily accepted. She failed to tell me that her previous choice was crazy. Not only is he stalking her, but he's also stalking me, and sending her messages about who I'm with and what I'm doing. FML

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

Nice first impression.

Today, I didn't know I had a pill stuck in my throat until I coughed and it flew across the table, narrowly missing the weird guy sitting across from me in the break room. Turns out that weird guy is my new supervisor. FML

Today, while working at my job in a luxury retail store, a woman left me a business card. It was for a plastic surgeon. FML

I'm doing the thing

Today, I failed a final presentation. My partner, who did none of the research, presented the entire project, talking over me and glaring when I spoke up. He denied everything and the professor didn't believe me. Now I have to retake this class with the same professor. FML

Today, I rushed to catch my bus and arrived as it pulled up, but one of the tires threw a rock at my head and knocked me out. I missed my bus and the final that I am not allowed to retake. FML

Today, I’m spending my 21st birthday in the hospital getting a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Happy birthday to me. FML

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

Today, I shaved off half of my right eyebrow by accident. It still looks better than my left eyebrow. FML

Today, I had a CT scan done after hitting my head, for fear of a concussion. Good news: no concussion. Bad news: the tumor they "accidentally" found. FML

Today, I went on a date. We met in the parking lot of a restaurant. As I approached his car he took one look at me, said "Nope", and drove off. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking up sexy clothes for me to wear while role-playing. I saw something I liked and asked him if we should get it. When he saw the model wearing it in the picture, he asked "Does it come with the girl?" FML

Genius

Today, my roommate found a solution to his awful body odor: bathing in vinegar. Now instead of smelling like a middle school locker room, the house smells like a chemical plant. I'm not sure which is worse. FML

Today, I called my boyfriend and a woman answered. Turns out, she's also his girlfriend. She broke up with me on his behalf. FML

Today, at the gas station, a stranger screamed at me, pushed me, and slapped my bag of chips to the ground. After he stomped them, he explained why he did it. It was because I opened the bag upside down. FML

Today, I discovered that my little brother sold my PS2, 3 and 4 along with all of my games in exchange for credits to use in Fortnite. I've had some of that stuff since before he was born. FML

Blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol...

Today, I have to deliver a wedding speech. I also have a cold. That would be bad enough, but ever since I was a kid, if I cough or sneeze, I also fart. FML

Today, it's my first day of high school. It's also my first day of a three-day in-school suspension. The reason? I sat next to a girl and she immediately got up and told the teacher that she didn't "feel safe". FML

RIP

Today, I thought I was all alone in the class, so I lifted up my leg and ripped a huge fart. One of my students was still in there. He told everybody. FML

Today, I had sex with a guy I'd had a crush on for a long time. When I asked if he was having trouble putting it in, he answered that he was fully in. FML

Today, my girlfriend's grandparents walked in on us getting intimate. She immediately ran to the bathroom, leaving me alone with them. They only speak Spanish, which is not my first language. We discussed the movie she and I were "watching", all while I was naked under the sheets. FML

Today, I told my mom that my wife and I got her a birthday present, but she won't be getting it until April. That instantly pissed her off, cussing us out calling us cheap worthless selfish bastards. I was about to surprise her that she's finally going to be a grandma. FML

Today, out of the 35 people invited, only one person showed up to my bridal shower. It was my grandma. FML

Today, I'm facing malpractice charges for neglecting a patient and failing to treat an infection. The patient had severe maggot-infested gangrene in his foot with exposed metatarsals, but refused amputation and all treatment. The judge is moving forward with the charges. FML

What's in a name?

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She asked me what year I was born in, then brutally rejected me. Apparently it's because my name wasn't in the top 20 baby names for my birth year. FML

Today, I came home to find my boyfriend playing with himself. He got mad and said I "killed the mood". How? By coming home. FML

Today, I went out for the afternoon leaving my younger brother at home. He's never had a girlfriend, which I always put down to him being shy and a little overweight. Well, I came home early to walk in on him taking it up the arse from his uni buddy. Off the charts awkward. FML