Monsieur USA, USA 30 ans Célibataire
Today, the people who gave me no training or instruction on how to do my job tried to fire me, because asking for clarification apparently means I'm incompetent. FML
Today, I learned there is such a thing as "too much sex". After a full week of having sex at least twice a day with my girlfriend, I had to go to the GP due to a painful erection and swelling. The constant sex had caused me to burst a blood vessel in my penis. FML
Today, at work, I broke the drinks machine for the third time. The first two times I broke the key, this time I switched it off and couldn't turn it back on after my manager warned me not to mess with it AFTER I had switched it off. The best part? The key is still broken from last time. FML
Today, I went to get my first manicure. While waiting, I looked at the menu board. When I wondered aloud: "I know what a French manicure is, but what on Earth is a Polish change?" The whole place started laughing and I guess I'm not going back. FML
Today, I learned that the manager I switched jobs to escape 7 months ago will be my new boss. FML
Today, I wanted to buy a Philly cheesesteak from my campus grill, but I was running late so I ordered a grilled cheese as it would be simpler to prep. I then waited 20 minutes and watched as the cooks made 4 cheesesteaks for other orders before even starting my grilled cheese. I was late. FML
Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML
Today, after having my Wi-Fi unlocked for two years, I decided to lock it since it was running slowly. Everybody in my apartment building came to my door and asked me why I did it. I've been unknowingly providing free Wi-Fi to the entire building for years, but now that it's protected I'm getting constant dirty looks. FML
Today, with words of encouragement from my mom, I vacuumed my room. After finishing and admiring my job well done, I went to put the vacuum away. It caught on the plug for my electric razor which was dangling below the dresser and yanked that and everything else that was on top of it off. FML
Today, I have a better relationship with the machinery I've given names to at work than my actual coworkers. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me grief about my drinking. This would be fine, if he were sober. FML
Today, as a high school English teacher, I had to read submissions for a writing contest. The entries were filled with words like "irregardless", "could of", "acrost", and "ain't". These papers were supposedly written by the best students in the school. FML
Today, I broke it off with my mistress so that I could work on my marriage. Shortly after, my wife received an anonymous message, saying that I'd been unfaithful. FML
Today, I was rear-ended while heading to my appointment with my physiotherapist. This is the physiotherapist I am seeing to treat the pinched disc I got from being rear-ended 6 months ago. FML
Today, my hand fell asleep while I was masturbating. My own body rejected me. FML
Today, I got reverse suspended for correcting my teacher. Now my mom has to go to all my high school classes with me for a week. FML
Today, while delivering pizza I was yet again given $0.04 over the total bill and told condescendingly to "keep the change." This happens on every shift. My pay is reduced during deliveries, and I drive my own car, and use my own gas. For $0.04. FML
Today, I had to call out of work due to my house flooding. As if that wasn't bad enough, my boss promptly accused me of lying because "the others from your town made it in today." I didn't realize we all lived together. FML
Today, I found out I have a yeast infection, a bladder infection, and a urinary tract infection all at the same time. Oh, and I also have the flu. FML
Today, my boss fired me for "disrespecting" him after I told him to fuck off. This would be understandable, if I hadn't said it when he was at my house for dinner, harassing my wife with suggestive poses, heavily implied comments, and trying to put his hand on her crotch. FML
Today, the last parking space outside my work was tiny but I tried to parallel park there in desperation. A school kid saw the whole attempt and sarcastically clapped me as I gave up and drove away. FML
Today, there's lethal flooding in the Reno area, with all roads to my work closed and flooded. My boss still expects me to drive through it, in the dark, to work at 6am. FML
Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML
Today, as I was pulling wire for an addition to my boss's house, I was on a ladder drilling a hole when my coworker kicked the ladder out from under me and left me hanging from a rafter twenty feet in the air. To make matters worse, I had to pee. I'm now in my car with dead arms and wet pants. FML
Today, I took a cab ride home from a bar. After a few minutes of horrible driving, I felt sick. The cab driver got so mad she locked me in the car and started driving me to the cops unless I payed her extra. Basically, I paid $120 for a five-minute cab ride. FML
Today, I sat next to this really hot guy in my writing class. We struck up a conversation, and it was going well, until he began describing, in excruciating detail, his IBS and fiber problems, and how he always has to poop. Good to know. FML
Today, I got fired from my first-ever job. Via text. I hadn't even started the first day but I'm expected to drive an hour and a half to my now ex-boss's house to return the key. FML
Today, the guy I'm dating was supposed to come over. He would have if I hadn't fell asleep while he was waiting for me to open the door. FML
Today, I emailed my fiancé the assignment that I was handed for a journalism job interview, asking for him to take a look and give opinions about it. I accidentally e-mailed it to the job interviewer. She responded, and even CCed it to the CEO. FML
Today, I had to make a Twitter account, because that is apparently the best way to get news from our new president. FML
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