RudyH621

Today, while picking up my 14-year-old sister, a friend of hers asked if I was her mother. I'm only 17. FML

Today, someone called wanting to talk to my son. My 6-week-old baby is receiving more phone calls than I am. FML

YOLO

Today, I was offered my dream job. When I gave my current employer my 2+ weeks notice so they'd have time to find a replacement, I was told to pack up and leave immediately. Now I'm out a month's pay because I gave notice instead of just leaving. FML

Toxic wasteland

Today, my house was so dusty that when I started to clean it, the smoke detector went off. FML

Stewart Lee has let himself go

Today, my new passport arrived, along with my expired one and its 20-year-old picture. I was comparing the photos when my husband came to look. He laughed and said, "Time is cruel." FML

Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML

Today, I was wrapping up my move in a 16-foot truck with my car in tow. Google rerouted me to avoid traffic... through a state park. The road had only one lane. I can still hear the phalanx of cars honking at me. FML

Today, my phone ran out of space, so I downloaded an app to store all my photos online. After everything transferred, I deleted the 1,000+ photos from my phone, along with the "recently deleted" file since it was also taking up space. The app is now empty of all "downloaded photos". FML

Today, I taught a high school class on public speaking. When I explained how important it was for a presentation to be polished and professional, one kid asked, "Is it professional for your skirt to be tucked into your underwear? I didn't know they made My Little Pony panties for adults." FML

Well Played

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years is dating another girl. Not only do she and I share the same hair and eye color, but we also happen to have the same first name. FML

Today, I had to comfort my wife after she found out that her boyfriend wasn't faithful to her. FML

Today, I was on a date with my boyfriend when he suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. A waiter tripped over him and spilled our food all over him. FML

Today, my mom called me a "useless spoiled brat" because I refused to drive my sister across the city just to buy flavored gelatin. I've had Amoebic Dysentery for 3 days now and need constant bathroom access. FML

Time for Family Counseling?

Today, my drunk brother told me he has an incest fetish. FML

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

Today, I woke up to my younger brother picking his nose with my fingers. His explanation? "You were sleeping." FML

Today, after buying a new pair of prescription glasses, I went to the beach. The ocean now has a new pair of glasses. FML

Today, I went out to a club with a friend who got her wallet stolen. Wanting to help her look for it, I left my purse with a different friend while I went back inside to look. She put my purse on the floor and it got stolen as well. FML

Today, while staying at my mother-in-law's house, I came back from a family gathering to find that her dogs had ruined my laptop charger. This is after she assured me I didn't have to worry about them doing it. FML

Today, while delivering for a building supply company, I was sent to an incorrect address. I attempted to turn around and got the 24-foot truck stuck in the mud. The homeowner left for work and then called the cops, saying someone was trespassing on his property. FML

Get on with it

Today, I've been in my old hometown visiting because my sister is having her baby. I scheduled the trip a full week after her due date, and still no baby. We tried everything to start her labor. I had to go back home, and as soon as my plane landed, I got a text saying she just gave birth. FML

Today, I managed to pay my rent in full for once. My bank called me on suspicion of fraud. FML

Locked out

Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coat rack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house, naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend at his place, taking advantage of having the house to ourselves. Out of the blue, his mother, who already hates me, came in and caught us in the act. Now she hates me twice as much for desecrating her house. And she'll hate me triple when she finds out I'm pregnant. FML

Cats are Satan's Minions

Today, I learned that our cats love to knock over glasses and cups, particularly if they have liquid in them. The latest victim of their antics? My expensive computer keyboard. FML

Today, my toddler threw a screaming, rampaging fit, because I ate the last chocolate mousse from the fridge. Did I forget to mention said toddler is actually my 52 year old dad? FML

Wrong, just wrong

Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML

Today, our old internet provider withdrew over $1,000 from our account for equipment they acknowledged receiving weeks ago, using preauthorized debit they claimed to have cancelled. Reimbursement will take 4 to 8 weeks. Our first mortgage payment is due just hours before my next pay cheque. FML

Hammertime

Today, like every other day, I didn't stop at the stop sign right before my house because it's pointless and there's never any cops patrolling my neighborhood. Boy, was I wrong this time. FML

Thanks, Burgess

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML