Monsieur USA, USA 30 ans Célibataire
Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about role-playing during sex when he suddenly said, "I'll be Trump. Let's make sex great again!" FML
Today, I was doing a job interview on Skype when my roommate decided to reboot the wireless router because "the internet was too slow". The interviewer didn't bother calling again. FML
Today, I deeply underestimated my baby nephew's climbing skills. I returned from the bathroom to find a broken vase, spilled powder formula, and my phone wiped clean from too many incorrect password attempts. FML
Today, the friend I recommended for a job at my workplace is getting fired for being one of the worst people they have ever hired. FML
Today, my husband gave our three-year-old son a lesson on life and death. He did this by slaughtering our pet chicken for dinner in front of him. My son has been crying for hours. FML
Today, my mom borrowed my computer without my permission and downloaded a virus. I came home to a blue screen of death. She refuses to admit fault and pay for a new computer. FML
Today, I had to try to explain to my stepsister that it's inappropriate to ask to borrow my mother's wheelchair to dress up 'like a cripple' on Halloween. When I told her my mother would need the chair on Halloween anyway, she suggested we just carry her around for the night. FML
Today, I engaged in a healthy round of rebound sex to get over my ex, who was very controlling of my body. During the act, Mr. Rebound said my nipples looked like pepperoni. FML
Today, I woke up to a squeaking noise and the feeling of something furry on my cheek. I smiled, thinking it was my guinea pigs nosing me awake. Then I remembered that my guinea pigs were in their cage on the other side of the room, and opened my eyes to see the biggest rat ever staring right at me. FML
Today, while pulling out of my work parking lot, I had a piping hot coffee tossed at me through my passenger window. I don't know if I was more amazed by this guy's exquisite aim or the fact that his coffee was so sweet I tasted the diabetes. FML
Today, my husband and I had a HUGE fight, but we had amazing make up sex so I figured it was over. When I woke up, I realized my mistake. I was tied to the four bed posts completely naked and a sign was taped on the ceiling. "Repairman coming in an hour. Gave him a key. Have all your clothes. Have fun." FML
Today, I made my niece cry when I told her that snakes are just tails with faces. She won't stop. FML
Today, I found out that most of my family has the same fetish as I do. I don't know whether to be revolted or relieved that I'm not the only one. FML
Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML
Today, my short-tempered, alcoholic boyfriend proudly showed me the rifle he bought. This guy regularly swears at his own sneezes and often flies into fits of rage because it's hard to get his shoe on. Time to move out. FML
Today, my friends got me a cake for my birthday. As I blew out the candles, they shoved my head into it and I was knocked out for 3 minutes before an ambulance took me to the hospital. I got a concussion from a cake. FML
Today, we bought our first home after months of searching and years of saving. It's directly in the path of Hurricane Irma and may be destroyed before we even get the chance to move in. FML
Today, while crossing the street, I was honked at by a stopped car. I responded with a finger and a "Fuck you!" It was my boss who just wanted to say hi. FML
Today, a teenage kid holding a cell phone ran up to me and kicked me as hard as he could in the groin. After I fell to the ground in pain, I realized he was liveblogging the event and asking people to subscribe to his YouTube channel. FML
Today, I returned a shirt for my mom. When the cashier asked why, I just said my mom didn't like the way it looked. After an awkward pause, I noticed the cashier was wearing the same shirt. She was not amused. FML
Today, the week-long debate in my Senior Composition class reached a new height. A student brought in a special map and a globe to "prove" that the Earth is flat. FML
Today, while showing off the sharpness of my new katana, I missed my target and hit my shoe. The strike cut into the second toe of my right foot, which then had to be amputated. Demonstration successful. FML
Today, my coworker paid me back the $15 I let him borrow and we shook hands. Later, I was called into my boss's office, where he threatened to fire me for doing a drug deal in front of customers. The police are getting involved. FML
Today, I fell asleep on the way to a pool party and woke up covered in sharpie swastikas and dicks. FML
Today, while I was walking to the kitchen, I heard someone on the TV moaning. As I made my way down the stairs, I saw my grandfather quickly change the channel and lean forward. I'm 90% sure I caught my grandpa watching porn. FML
Today, I had a hotdog. I thought the skin was a bit tough but ate it anyway. After reading the packaging later I found out that each hotdog has an individual plastic wrapper. I ate plastic. FML
Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML
Today, my wife sat beside me on the ledge of the bathtub because she wanted to make out. I was on the toilet. Shitting. FML
Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML
Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML
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