jdykid

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

Today, my roommate confided in me that she hadn't been taking showers while at school because she was afraid of being in the shower when the fire alarm goes off. She goes home once every month, and will only shower there. I have to live with her for the rest of the year. FML

Today, I went in for an interview for my first ever job. Just seconds after meeting the boss, I slipped on the linoleum floor. I was wearing a skirt. FML

Awkward

Today, I realised just how much my favourite pornstar looks like my sister. FML

WTF?

Today, I went to the hospital for a scan. The tech went wide-eyed and stared at his screen in horror before realizing I could see him. He wouldn't tell me what he saw, apparently only my doctor is allowed to do that. So now I have to wait for god knows how long to get my results back. FML

Today, I'm no longer allowed to work the drive-thru at my job, because over the weekend, 3 dumbasses I go to school with came in and complained to my manager, saying I sounded a creepy pervert and that it scared them enough to take their business elsewhere. FML

Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML

Close, but no cigar

Today, after submitting my college application, I noticed that I mistyped "math enthusiast" as "meth enthusiast". FML

Today, my boyfriend brought me a bunny for a house present for moving into our first house. She escaped her cage and bit through the electrical wires, cutting out all our power and electrocuting and killing herself. FML

Today, I was stabbed because a mugger got mad that I was broke. FML

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

Today, I was supposed to start my vacation in Italy. I guess not everyone heard that I canceled it due to health problems, because this morning I caught two of my "friends" unplugging my TV after breaking into my house. FML

Today, I got so desperate for cash that I decided to start selling my used panties online. FML

Today, I decided it was time to have "the talk" with my daughter, after I found a thong in the washing machine. She denied it was hers and pointed out how it was too big to fit her. I ended up having a very different talk with my son. FML

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

Today, my stomach growled so loud in class that a boy sitting next to me thought his phone had vibrated. FML

Happy for you

Today, I was invited to my friend's wedding. I wouldn't mind, but she chose her now fiancé over me, despite him being in prison for assault, a heroin addict and a general dick. This was all because I accidentally called her stupid three years ago. FML

Today, my parents searched my younger sister's phone because she had been acting suspiciously. I asked my mom if she was going to search mine too. She laughed and said, "Sweetie, your phone is probably even duller than mine!" FML

Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML

Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML

Not ED for me

Today, I asked my school counselor in strict confidence for advice on how to help a friend of mine, who has bulimia. When I got home, I found out that "someone" had called my parents and told them that I'm bulimic. They won't believe the truth. FML

Thanks

Today, while walking to work with my best friend, he broke down in tears. I asked what was wrong, and he told me his mom passed away last night. All I could think to do was give him a hug and say I was sorry. Then some assclown walking past said "GAAAYYY!" and walked away laughing hysterically. FML

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his taser at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tased him for acting aggressively. FML

Today, a student set me on fire while I was lecturing my class about proper lab safety. FML

Today, I went to the doctor for the second time, because I've had a cough for about six weeks. In my first appointment, the nurse said it was just allergies and condescendingly gave me a brochure with a recipe for salt water. Turns out it's pneumonia. FML

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

Today, I had the mother of a five year old come in for parent teacher conferences. When I told her that her son was very smart, but he often made up fantastical stories about his home life, she burst into tears. She then ran out of my office crying, "I knew it! I knew he was a sociopath!" FML

Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML

Today, my husband revealed that he found me drunk and shoe-less in a shrub in our front garden last night, sending dirty texts to my new employee. I've recently had my meds switched and apparently can't drink now. My husband's pissed, my shoes are gone, and I can't look the new guy in the face. FML

Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML