Mademoiselle En couple
Today, a fifth grader gave me a note from his "father" excusing him from PE. It was riddled with spelling errors and shockingly poor grammar, so I rejected it as a blatant fake. Several hours later, I was informed by his very angry father that it wasn't actually fake. FML
Today, I went on a first date with my crush. Right before the date, I noticed a monstrous pimple in the middle of my forehead. I covered it with make-up, but it was still visible. The guy spent the whole evening laughing at me and telling me that I look like an unicorn. FML
Today, after coming home from the hospital after I fractured my foot, I fell in the bathroom and dislocated my wrist. The ER doctor couldn't stop laughing. FML
Today, I realized I could make more money being on welfare than I can at my current job. FML
Today, I walked in on my dad completely naked. When I expressed my displeasure, he told me to knock next time. I'd agree with him, if he hadn't been standing in the middle of the hallway in our very open living room. FML
Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML
Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I got ahold of the girl he was cheating on me with. She was as oblivious as I was of each other's existence. Apparently, the fucker told her he lived with his "sister," who's "a bitch and makes his life impossible." He was referring to me. FML
Today, I figured I'd throw my ex-boyfriend a compliment and told him how "gifted" he was below the belt. He thinks he's paying me a compliment when he tells me how much he loves that little roll of skin that pops up over the top of my pants when I sit down. I'm trying to lose weight, asshole. FML
Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML
Today, my boss had to leave the house for a little while. She asked me to take any messages she got. I answered the phone and lady calling said she was returning her call about the opening for a nanny position. I'm the current nanny. I found out I'm being fired by the new nanny. FML
Today, my siblings came home for the weekend. At dinner, my dad started complaining at how one of my siblings had gotten fired, one was failing college, and the other was gay. He went on to say I was 17 and already had a bright future. I'm pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She later came into the T-Mobile that I work at to return the Sidekick that I bought for her. I had to transfer her account to a new Iphone. She got the Iphone from her new boyfriend, who works across the street from me. FML
Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML
Today, I had a job interview with an environmentalist organization. I got the job, my FIRST job, a great first job doing something I am passionate about. An hour after the interview was over, they called me back and asked if I was 18. I'm 17, and unemployed again. FML
Today, my family invited a bunch of their friends over for a party. At some point they decided to play some home videos from many years ago. In one of them, I was 7, I said, "Look Mommy! I can make my pee-pee bigger by doing this!" Everyone saw and laughed. FML
Today, I discovered that my cheating, stealing ex-boyfriend is posting pictures of naked women having group sex, with my face photoshopped onto them. He sent those to my boss, my friends, my family, and only because I refused to bail his drunken self out of jail a couple weeks ago. FML
Today, I was working as a host at a pasta diner. The hostess I was working with was very attractive and we were flirting quite a bit. A large woman walked in to be seated, and I leaned over to her and dared her to ask the woman if she wanted two chairs. She leaned back and said, "That's my mom." FML
Today, I drove three hours to go to an awards ceremony. When I got there, I had to wait an hour for the hall to open, then sat listening to speeches for two hours, got my "award", and drove three hours home. The award was a small pin that I already had. FML
Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML
Today, I was on the arm of my couch trying to grab something from the bookshelf, and my boyfriend was below me. I asked, "So, would you catch me if I fell?" He looked back at me, paused for a moment before saying, "How much do you weigh again?" FML
Today, while having dinner, my boyfriend decided to tell everyone about our sex life. It wouldn't have been too bad except my father was sitting right next to me. My boyfriend's excuse was that he wanted to make my dad laugh. He didn't laugh. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend from the top of a bungee jumping platform at an amusement park. I yelled out, "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" from the platform, pointing her out. Turns out, I was pointing at the wrong girl. My girlfriend was very angry and ran away when the wrong girl yelled, "Yes!" FML
Today, I found out that the reason my best friend is not allowed over anymore is because he hits on my mom and writes her love letters. FML
Today, my boss and I were stacking boxes in the back room of the store. One of the boxes fell and hit me in the face, causing me to lose my glasses. My boss stepped on my glasses as she ran to check the box for broken merchandise, which I then had to pay for. FML
Today, I burned myself while cooking, so I asked my mom to get the burn cream while I waited in the kitchen. While I was waiting, I absentmindedly set my hand on the hot stove, earning myself a second burn. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape, his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML
Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML
Today, I accidentally dropped my phone while I was crossing the road. Luckily, it survived the fall. Not so luckily, an oncoming bus steamrolled it into oblivion. FML
Today, at a job interview, my interviewer bent forward and I admired his ass. When he turned, I couldn't tell if he caught me or not. At the end of the interview he shook my hand in congratulations of getting the job, then said, "Yes, I do work out." I have to see him every day now. FML
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