Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML
Today, while serving a customer, she told me: "God made you a working class citizen so you could serve! If God wanted you to go to college, he would have made sure you were able to go!" FML
Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML
Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML
Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I'm at work. FML
Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend, when a guy pulled a knife and told us to hand over our money. My boyfriend blurted "I don't have shit, dude! She has tons of cash!" The moment the mugger turned to me, my boyfriend ran away at top speed. FML
Today, my sister and I had a fight. In her rage, she threw piles of dirty laundry at me. One of her bloody panties hit me on the face. FML
Today, I overheard my wife telling my mother-in-law I was diagnosed with a learning disability earlier this week. She replied, "I always knew he was a retard. Why did you ever marry that idiot?" All my wife did was mutter "I don't know." FML
Today, at the supermarket, a woman came up to me and said I looked just like her son, who was killed in Afghanistan. She tearfully asked if she could hug me "one last time." It was a little weird, but I let her. Ten minutes later, at the checkout, I realized she'd pickpocketed my wallet. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML
Today, I was invited to a fancy-shmancy charity event, and the host - my friend - told me to wear a long, ballroom, fancy gown. Turns out my friend was just being a dick and it was a pool party. I spent $200 on my hair and makeup alone. FML
Today, at my work in a call centre, a man called up on a very quiet line to report a car accident on his father's behalf because his father was deaf. I asked him to ask his dad if he was OK after the accident. I'd misheard him and he had said "dead", not "deaf". He started crying. FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML
Today, as I was about to orgasm while my boyfriend was giving me oral sex, I tightened my grip on his hair and began shouting his name. He stopped, looked up at me, and said, "What?" FML
Today, my boyfriend called me while I was at work. He sounded very excited and told me he had a surprise for me. He doesn't usually do this kind of thing, so I was excited. When I came home, I found him naked, with "Bone Appetite" written right above his penis. FML
Today, I sent the girl I like flowers, only to have her later post a picture of them online, saying, "Ha! When losers send you flowers." FML
Today, I went to a restaurant and asked for vegetarian options. They told me, "We have a chicken Caesar salad, will that work?" FML
Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML
Today, a week after my miscarriage, my little sister thought it appropriate to wrap her belt around her neck and scream, "Hey look, it's your baby!" FML
Today, my phone kept beeping, so I put it on silent and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I found the guy I went on a date with last night had sent dozens of messages. The first was "Good morning! :)" and the last was "Answer me u fuckin cunt!!!!" I think I'm staying single. FML
Today, I finally finished downloading a 60GB TV series after two weeks of waiting. Every single "episode" turned out to be Rick Astley singing Never Gonna Give You Up, on constant repeat. I almost respect the prankster's effort enough to not want to gut him like a fish. Almost. FML
Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML
Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML
Today, I woke up and texted my girlfriend, "Good morning" like I do everyday. She responded with, "I'm dating somebody else". FML
Today, I was having a dinner party. My guests were getting along really well. I mean, really well; it turns out they all went to the same high school. For the next five hours, I hosted a high school reunion for a school I didn't even go to, in my own home. FML
Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML
Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML
Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML
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