spiffysaysrawr

Today, my boyfriend reckoned that he has a better sleep when he falls asleep with his hand on either my boobs or my ass. I kind of just laughed it off. I later discovered he's 100% correct when he put his hand on my butt, and not five minutes later was snoring. FML

Today, I walked in on my 15-year-old daughter stripping on Skype for strangers. FML

Today, I finally felt ready for intimacy with my boyfriend, and I sent him a sexy picture of myself topless. He texted back, "Ewwwww." FML

Today, after having multiple dreams where I have a daughter with my boyfriend, I'm now emotionally attached to a child who isn't real, and I get depressed when I can't be with her in real life. FML

Today, a few minutes after giving birth to our fourth child, my wife pulled me close and whispered, "I love you, but if you ever put me through that again I'll rip your balls off." Everyone laughed. FML

Today, my boyfriend told me I smell like vegetables. FML

Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML

Today, while having sex with my husband, he went soft. When I asked him what happened he said, "I'm about to fall asleep." He then plopped down on my chest and began to snore. FML