sysalis

Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML

Today, I confronted my husband about him being unfaithful. He said his reasons were because he's just not attracted to me anymore and my current weight repulses him. I'm six months pregnant with his child. FML

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML

Today, my 15 year-old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML

Today, my girlfriend of three and half years broke up with me, just after I'd finished fixing up her house, which took me about three and a half years. FML

Today, my mom called me and said, "I made your sister laugh so hard she peed her pants." I got home and noticed she also peed on my bed. FML

Today, my boss friend-requested me on Facebook. My profile picture is of me licking his employee of the month picture for a dare. FML

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

Today, I realized that potato chips are made from potatoes. I'm 26. FML

Today, I made a video for a school tour of my apartment in German. The walls in my apartment are thin, so you could hear my sister having phone sex in her room in the background. FML

Today, my wife and I were planning our nursery for our future child. She said that we'd be painting it pink either way. I asked what would happen if we had a boy. She said "Oh, he'll be gay" with a menacing glare. I'm worried. FML

Bad timing

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. This is the moment he chooses to exclaim, "Wow, you really do have a lot of dandruff!" FML

Today, I had to take a mandatory drug test with the doctor present. Nervous, I couldn't get myself to pee in the cup right away. When I finally did, I couldn't stop myself from overfilling the cup and getting pee all over myself. FML

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

Today, my girlfriend compared my penis to an ewok from Star Wars. She says it's short, stubby, and fuzzy. Now she sings the Star Wars theme when we hang out. FML

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

Today, I got a postcard from my boyfriend who is on vacation in the Caribbean. He's breaking up with me. FML

Today, I started my first day of work at my new job. They had a section in the parking lot for employees only, so I parked there. Apparently, my boss didn't recognize my car, and had it towed. FML

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

Today, I got a call from a girl I was seeing. She said that she was falling for someone else, but she still liked me and couldn't decide what to do. Being the romantic (idiot) I am, I told her that she should do what would make her happiest, thinking that she would pick me. She didn't. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to tickle my daughter's foot, which she hates. One bloody nose, multiple scratches and 4 toe-shaped bruises later, she's the one laughing. FML

Good morning to you too

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered, "Slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

No excuses!

Today, I was fired from my job. Apparently getting shot is no valid reason to stay home. FML

Today, my 5 week old puppy decided to sleep between my head and the headboard of my bed. I sneezed and my puppy got so scared it caused him to pee on me. FML

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me I was being too obsessive. This is the guy who has gone through my phone two separate times and deleted all of my male contacts. FML

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML