revieced

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

Today, my boyfriend canceled our date last-minute. He claimed he had no time because he had to iron his towels. FML

Today, I found out my coworker was arrested for beating the crap out of his wife. I gave him a serious pep talk yesterday where I told him to stop taking her shit and start standing up for himself. FML

Today, my date suggested we go to 10:30 p.m. movie so we could "talk" in the car afterwards, when the parking lot was empty. Thus, at 1 a.m., I thought we were going to make out. However, he only asked where I get my car air freshener from, had me write down the scent, and then suggested we go home. FML

Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML

Today, I lost my balance trying to get my bag out of my car. In doing so, my lips came in contact with some bird poop. FML

Today, I got fired from my job because I closed the store 84 seconds early. They found out because the state manager was sitting across the street with binoculars watching me. FML

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

Today, while I was fitting an elderly gentleman for a suit, he muttered all too loudly that he'd give his left nut for a reacharound. FML

Law and order

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

Barbie squeaks

Today, my boyfriend told me I sound like a squeaky toy during sex, and asked if I could get it under control because it creeps him out. FML

Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

Today, as a natural science teacher, I was drawing a uterus on the class chalkboard. One of my students started messing around and being noisy, so I shouted, "Be quiet and check out my uterus!" FML

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

Chuds be like that

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

Today, I took a swig of my Dr Pepper while having a meeting with my manager. As soon as I was about to swallow, I began coughing, and spat a whole mouthful all over her face. FML

Today, I saw my grandfather on the train, with his cock out. FML

Today, I came to the realization that I dream more about my vibrator than I do about my boyfriend. FML

Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML

Today, my girlfriend had a complete breakdown. I was trying to calm her down and reassure her that she will accomplish all of her dreams. Her response: "Then why am I even with you?" FML

Today, I got written up for coming in to work stoned. I wasn't stoned, I'm just goofy. FML

Moral panic #2766

Today, my sister shared a post on Facebook which talked about how "gays" are destroying the "sanctity of marriage." I couldn't help but point out that she's been married 3 times in the last 7 years, while I've been happily married to my wife for nearly 9. She deleted my comment then blocked me. FML

Today, I introduced my kind and amazing Iranian boyfriend to my mother. When he went to use the rest room, she warned me to "knock it off with this Bin Laden fetish" or she'll have me put on psychiatric hold. FML

Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML

Today, when I tried to break up with my girlfriend of 2 years, she had no idea we were even dating. She thought of all the movies, dinners, and "sleepovers" I had with her was because we were such great friends. FML

Today, while making small talk with a veteran, I made the mistake of using the phrase "Cost an arm and a leg". He was a double amputee. FML

Olive branch

Today, I invited my sister to my wedding. She's not coming, because I didn't reply to her email three years ago. The one she sent to my whole family saying that I was a dangerous psychopath. FML

Bye, loser

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML