Monsieur San Diego
Today, I was in the bathroom getting ready to take a shower. I took all of my clothes off, and stepped into the shower facing the knobs. When I turned around, I saw somebody standing in there with me. Apparently, my little brother and his friend were playing hide and seek, and I found his friend. FML
Today, I'm in the hospital because I sliced my leg open. Why? I jumped off my bed and scratched myself on the metal bed frame when Miss America was crowned to Miss Virginia. I'm 20 years old, and a man. FML
Today, in math, I was working on an assignment and this really cute girl comes over and says my name. At this point, my heart is pumping with excitement and I'm thinking she is going to ask for my number. She said, "Did you know someone drew a penis on your back?" FML
Today, I managed to fall face-first into a used condom. FML
Today, I was taking care of a friend's hamster. Thinking the hamster wanted to make a bed, I put some cotton balls in his cage so he would be comfy. He promptly ate them and died. FML
Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up… out my left nostril. FML
Today, I was so lonely that I had a 3 hour conversation with a one-legged cricket I found in my room. I'm keeping him. He has a name. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's whole family. Between them they had about 10 teeth. FML
Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML
Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML
Today, I saw my dad's friend across the street working on my neighbor's roof. To continue the airsoft war we'd been having, I shot at him with the sniper gun I'd bought. I hit him, and he fell off the roof. I ran over to see if he was OK. It wasn't my dad's friend. FML
Today, I held a door open for my boyfriend and jokingly said, "Chivalry is dead?" He responded with, "Who's chivalry?" FML
Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML
Today, I realized that my pubes are longer than my penis itself. FML
Today, my mom publicly pole danced. In a playground. FML
Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML
Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML
Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML
Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML
Today, I was jogging around the neighborhood when I went past a bar. There were lots of drunk men outside telling me to come over so they could give me the night of my life. One of those men was my grandpa. FML
Today, I noticed that my facial hair had grown by an acceptable amount. I spoke to my Dad and decided to show him, thinking he would approve of my manliness. His exact words when I showed him were, "Nah, son. You just look like a lesbian." FML
Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML
Today, I accidentally moaned my own name during sex. FML
Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML
Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML
Today, my friend and I got into such a heated debate the police had to be called. The debate was about Whitney Houston. FML
Today, I walked in on a homeless guy peeing on a turd on the floor of the women's restroom at the park. I'm a janitor for the city. FML
Today, I rear ended a cop while talking on my cell phone. FML
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend. He won't go on a cruise with me in the gulf of Mexico, because he thinks we will crash into an iceberg like in Titanic. FML
Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML
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