StateFarm98

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

Small mistake

Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

Love and threats

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

Today, I attended an elderly man's funeral. As I approached the casket his wife said, "Thank you for coming." I replied with, "No, thank you." FML

Not a science major

Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm, and cause cancer. FML

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

Today, my boyfriend came over to my parents' house for dinner. My dad made Holocaust jokes the entire time. My boyfriend is Jewish. FML

Today, I thought I was home alone, so I started singing to my cat. After a half hour of this, I finally stopped. Then I heard applauding. I turned around to find my parents standing in my doorway. FML

Repetitive

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

Today, my dad approached two girls at a store and told them I'd crashed into their car. They didn't find it funny either. FML

Today, my neighbors are moving. As we were saying our goodbyes, their 12-year-old son approached and thanked me for the times I forgot to shut the blinds and he watched me change. FML

Today, my boyfriend picked me up from school. It was an unusually sweet gesture from him, and I was flattered. That is, until he told me to sit my ass in the back, so his dog could ride in front with him. FML

Wurdz is hard

Today, a cute girl sitting next to me asked if she could use my phone. As I handed it to her, I attempted to use the expression, "Knock yourself out," but for a reason I can still not fathom, it came out as, "Kill yourself." FML

Today, a customer smiled, looked me in the eye and described to me in graphic detail the swelling that occurred to his nuts after his vasectomy. FML

Today, I was hit in the head by a golf ball. I wasn't near a golf course, and nobody was anywhere in sight. I'm still trying to figure out what happened. FML

Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML

Try it, you never know…

Today, my husband came home with a bunch of realistic-looking wigs for women. When I asked them what they were for, he said he wanted to spice up our sex life with them. When I told him I refused to wear a wig, he said in a very serious tone that I wasn't going to be the one wearing them, he was. FML

Today, I was having sex with my new boyfriend, and I realized that he enjoys making airplane sound effects while inserting himself inside of me. Moment ruined. FML

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

Today, the drummer of my band briefly mentioned something about not being allowed into the United States, just as he left our last practice before our big tour in America. FML

Today, I took an afternoon nap, and when I woke up, it was pitch black outside. Still groggy, I went downstairs, only to see my dad sporting a shocked expression and a suspiciously powder-white beard. He actually almost convinced me that I'd just woken up from a five year coma. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to get intimate, so I masturbated before leaving my place, hoping it would help me last longer than usual. 10 minutes in, she shoved me off and started screaming at me, convinced that I've been cheating on her and practising with someone else. FML

Today, my cat learned how to open doors. Ever since then she's been running up to my room, opening my door, and running away. My cat is playing ding-dong ditch. FML

You played yourself

Today, I got so drunk that I tasered myself in the balls as a joke, fell down my friend's porch stairs and rolled out into the street. FML

Today, my boyfriend was watching TV, when we started getting frisky. I'd just started to give him a blowjob when he pushed me off and said, "Fun's over." Dragon Ball Z had just come back on. He's 21. FML

Today, wanting to do something nice for my dad, I mowed the lawn. He grounded me for "emasculating" him. FML