Mademoiselle Pennsylvania, United States 34 ans Célibataire
Today, at my job as a fast food manager, I saw one of my employees "trying to pick the bugs out" of our cookies. They were the raisins in them. FML
Today, at the beach, I noticed a plastic bag in the water. I wanted to do something good for a change, help protect the environment and get it out. It wasn't a bag; it was a jellyfish. FML
Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML
Today, I took my girlfriend of a year out on a date, a nice fancy dinner and a movie. After dinner, I said that I was feeling sick and just wanted to go home. I didn't have the heart to tell her that dinner was so expensive that I didn't have money for the movie. FML
Today, I woke up at 4am needing a piss, only to walk in on my fuckstick brother combing his pubes with our mom's toothbrush. FML
Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom blow-drying my grinning dad's pubes. FML
Today, I had a one-night stand. After holding in my farts all night, as you should, I decided enough was enough and tried to calmly let one slip out. One did not calmly slip out; instead I shat myself in her bed. I was naked at the time, so was unable to hide it. FML
Today, I had to sit in a three-seat truck between my dad and his best friend on a 4-hour trip to Detroit. It was great, besides their incessant crude jokes and stories, including chafing ball sacks, and naming their new radio station, "Chicks With Dicks Radio." FML
Today, I heard what sounded like water against my window, and I couldn't believe it was raining in Southern California at this time of the year. I then turned to the window to see a hobo peeing on my window. FML
Today, I was sitting in my bedroom relaxing when I heard my little sister and my brother. Thinking it was cute they were talking again, I was listening. They were not just "talking", they were making plans on how to kill me. FML
Today, my 8-year-old son told me to grow a pair and man up. FML
Today, my parents walked in on me, having sex. No, I wasn't having sex. They were. FML
Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's no one in there, so I knocked just to make sure. His stepdad opened the door stark naked. FML
Today, I had to slowly explain to my brother that spooning has nothing to do with using a spoon to clean out a woman's vagina after sex. FML
Today, one of my idiot co-workers thought it'd be hilarious to "fix" my car while I was working. Now every time I step on the brake pedal, the horn goes off. FML
Today, I cracked my tooth. I was so tired I put my pretzel stick in my tea and took a bite out of my spoon. FML
Today, I dropped my phone between my legs and tried to catch it with my thighs. Instead, the phone fell through just as I crushed my own balls with my legs. FML
Today, I'm so sexually deprived that I got a raging hard-on from seeing and hearing my coworker yawn. FML
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