Mademoiselle California, United States 31 ans En couple
Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML
Today, my husband informed me that he has been purposely finishing before me in bed as a form of punishment for beating him at Mario Kart. FML
Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML
Today, I was to have an important phone interview for a job. I got a call and everything went perfectly, and they said I was hired. Later, I found out that one of my "friends" had gotten one of his buddies to prank call me and make sure the line was engaged when the real interviewer called. FML
Today, a repairman came to fix my couch, which is under warranty because the frame had broken in multiple places. To ensure I got a new couch out of the deal, I stabbed multiple holes into the cushion. The guy fixed the frame, but said there was nothing he could do about lacerations on the sofa. FML
Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML
Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be all alone in this big house." FML
Today, it was the concert of my life. I had bought tickets the minute they went on sale, and I'd anxiously waited until the concert date. Thirty minutes before the show, my friend got so drunk that we weren't allowed in, and I was stuck babysitting her all night in the hotel, completely missing the show. FML
Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML
Today, while I was sneaking a boy out of my room at 2am, I ran into my mom sneaking a man into her room. FML
Today, I had a look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML
Today, I was petting my cat and I jokingly said out loud, "Oh, the pussy likes it rough? You like that, don't you?" My windows were open and I could hear the neighbors laughing. FML
Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML
Today, the school nurse called me in. She said she knew I was pregnant and she was worried about how it was affecting my grades. I'm not pregnant. Apparently I'm just stupid and fat. FML
Today, I was at the gym trying to impress a hot girl, so I put an extra 30 pounds on the bar, I lowered, pushed... and pooped. FML
Today, my apartment was robbed by my landlord. Her logic? "I own the building, and therefore everything in it." That TV cost more than my rent. FML
Today, my little sister came to me crying about how everyone calls her a bad driver. I gave her a pep talk, an encouraging hug, and told her not to listen to negativity. Five minutes later she wrecked my car. FML
Today, it was my wedding. Everyone showed up… except my fiancé. FML
Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML
Today, my boyfriend cuffed my legs to the bed. After the sex we discovered one of the cuffs wouldn't open. After an hour of trying to pry them open, I had to waddle with him to the fire station to have them removed in front of 4 amused firefighters. FML
Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML
Today, while at the store, I realized how socially inept I am when I said "excuse me" to a shopping cart because it was in my way. FML
Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML
Today, I went with my boyfriend to the optometrist for him to buy contact lenses for the first time. He said the detail was much better than glasses. I excitedly asked him if he could see my freckles better now, and after a long and disappointed look at my face, he said "Nope, just more acne." FML
Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML
Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML
Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML
Today, I accidentally kicked a can and it hit a man's shoe. He tried to kick it at me but his foot somehow failed to connect with the can. I could hear it rattling behind me as he failed again and again. So he decided to run up behind me and throw it at my head. FML
Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML
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