blondie14sg

Today, I realized I'd put on my shirt on inside out, so I went to the bathroom stalls to fix it. As I was taking it off, I accidentally dropped it in the toilet. FML

Today, my mom sold my Magic box at a garage sale because I "never use it." Locked inside it was my fake ID, a couple of hundred bucks, and a bag of weed. She can't remember who she sold it to. FML

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm now about 15 pounds overweight. When I called him a hypocrite as he's over 40 pounds overweight, he said that his weight didn't matter because "it's the girl's job to look hot." FML

Forgive me

Today, while working as a massage therapist, a client had me work on a very specific knot in his shoulder. He also happened to have a very detailed, very realistic tattoo of the Crucifixion on his shoulder. I just spent 45 minutes violating Jesus. FML

Today, my cat was too overweight to get out of the litter box, so he gave up, and went to sleep. I had to pick him up out of his own waste and clean him up. FML

Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML

Today, it's our third anniversary. After a candlelit dinner and a midnight boat ride, my wife turned down sex, because "it's too cliché." FML

Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML

Clubbing

Today, my parents told me that they had joined a local club. Proud of them for going out of their comfort zone to make new friends, I googled the name of the club. I'm sure they'll make some lifelong friends at their first swingers club meet. FML

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

Today, I decided to be responsible and call a cab to take my drunk ass home from the bar. As I climbed into the cab, I was quickly pulled back out and had the shit beaten out of me by a group of drunk guys who thought they needed the ride more. The police soon arrived and arrested us all. FML

Today, someone very close to me came out of the closet. Normally I would fully support them, had we not just gotten married. FML

WTF dude?

Today, I was getting intimate with my current booty-call when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed", "moo-ed", and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML

Defeated

Today, I decided to talk to a girl at the gym I had seen there a lot. I walked up to her at the station she was at and asked her out to dinner sometime. I didn't realize she had been wearing headphones. She took them off and asked if I was waiting on the station. My courage left. I said yes. FML

Today, I sent in an assignment from my batshit insane teacher. The assignment was to read a poem, analyze it, and make a comic of its plot. This would've been fine if the teacher who assigned it to me didn't teach math. FML

Today, "The Phantom of the Opera" soundtrack blasted me awake at 4 am. Not knowing how it got on my iPod, I checked and found I had bought the whole $17.00 album in my sleep. This is the second time this month; the first time I downloaded the soundtrack from "The Wizard of Oz". FML

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time; he asked me to explain my interest in dating her. In a mix of me trying to say "I want to be with your daughter" and "I want to be in your daughter's life" I got confused and said, "I want to be in your daughter." FML

Today, my boyfriend got done with Marine combat training. The first thing he asked for weren't pictures of me but pictures of his car. Missed you too babe. FML

Today, a lady on the bus came up to me and asked if she could sit down. Thinking she meant the seat next to me, I said sure. She meant my lap. FML

Today, I overheard my parents fighting about who has been the most loyal. I found out my Dad has cheated twice, and is still the most faithful of the two. FML

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

Today, I realized that sex with my husband has gotten so boring that I'd rather fake an orgasm than let him continue. FML

Today, my family went on a family trip without me. Their reason for not bringing me? My older sister wanted extra legroom during the drive. FML

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

Today, I stepped on the scale and realized that I weigh more than the amount of money that I have in my bank account. FML

Today, my dog did something I had no idea he could do. He participated in an all-male three-way at the dog park. In front of everyone. FML

Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

It's not what you think!

Today, my boyfriend was dropping me off home and we were still in the car. When I went in to give him a hug, my hand hit his shoulder and I dropped my phone at his feet. Just as I pulled back up with it, my dad was staring at us from outside. He still appears to think I was giving him head. FML