Monsieur Florida, Us 35 ans
Today, while in bed, my boyfriend pointed to my stomach and said, "Bad fat", then pointed to my boobs and said, "Good fat." FML
Today, a cute guy ditched his date and walked up to me, calling me beautiful. Not knowing how to reply, I just blushed. His date got angry and left. "Sorry. I take that back," he then said. "I was just trying to get rid of her. Thanks anyway." FML
Today, my purse was stolen from my bag while I was on the train. The thief will be surprised to find that it wasn't my money purse, but in fact my "period purse". Hope they find tampons useful. FML
Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML
Today, I was reminded that while I have a nice waist, bum and boobs, I'm unspeakably ugly. I was walking down the street when a guy wolf-whistled from behind me, and when I turned around, he visibly recoiled in disgust. FML
Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML
Today, my mother came over to my apartment for a surprise visit. It wasn't until after she left that I realized that I left a half empty bottle of adult toy cleaner on the counter in the bathroom. FML
Today, I woke up to my creepy new roommate licking my cheek. FML
Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML
Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my mom. The first thing my mom did was look at her breasts and mention that no matter what happens, hers were the first that I suckled on. FML
Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML
Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML
Today, I was working a kid's birthday party dressed as a clown. The child's mother made me change because he was scared of clowns. The only thing I had in my car was a princess costume that was owned by a girl co-worker. So for 4 hours I had to entertain in a tight pink dress. I'm a guy. FML
Today, my brother finally informed me that our shower head has an option to make the water only come out of the detachable part. My left leg's been in a cast for 4 months, and the whole time I've had to shower sitting backwards with my leg sticking out the door. He knew. FML
Today, someone stole my umbrella. It was pouring heavily, and I was using it at the time. FML
Today, right after sex, my girlfriend apologized to the neighbor for the screaming. He thanked her for the entertainment. FML
Today, I found out that the coworker I refused to leave my wife for is now happily married with someone else, while I'm now divorced. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked if her friend Alex from high school could join in with us and we could have an amazing threesome. As a horny dude, how could I say no? Turns out Alex is also a guy's name. FML
Today, I went to dinner with my friend and his family. I went to the men's room at the same time as his father, and as we peed next to each other in adjacent urinals the father looked over at me and said, "Don't worry, I've seen smaller." FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me from a payphone because he lost his phone at the airport. When I texted his phone to get a response from someone who stole it [because it was still on whenever I called], I received a message back saying, "Love the pics. Send more ;]" FML
Today, I was doing my usual routine at the gym which consists of working out on the treadmills right in front of my ex boyfriend to make him feel bad. Whilst doing this, I tried to be cool and do that thing where as the treadmill slows down you turn around and just walk off the end. I fell. FML
Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML
Today, the 75 year old blinding owner of the bar I work at called me over and told me to fire "Rachel, the stupid c**t after the next wrong thing she does". My name is Rachel. FML
Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML
Today, I went to get my midterm essay grade thinking I couldn't have made lower than a B. Got to class and my douchebag professor gave me an F. He wrote "Best essay I read, would've been an A if it was the right topic." I wrote on the Industrial Revolution, instead of the Scientific Revolution. FML
Today, I work in a grocery store and a woman suffering from diarrhea somehow managed to get shit up and down two of the store aisles, then go to the ladies room and mess up the stall. I was the only one working trained in deal with bio-hazardous waste so I had to clean it up. FML
Today, a 7-year-old girl came up to me and told me to go fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard the conversation; she came up to me and told me to go fuck myself as well. FML
Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML
Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML
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