Bibblejomin

Today, our company was being visited by one of our biggest clients, a rich Japanese businessman. My boss wanted to honour him by welcoming him while wearing a kimono in the reception area of our building. The client was in a suit and tie, and I don't think he'll be back. FML

Pervy

Today, my husband's 70-year-old uncle came for a visit. Since we only have 2 bedrooms, we set him up in our daughter's room. Later, I glanced into the room and saw him masturbating in her bed. FML

Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend how my mom died when I was 11 after crashing her car into a tree at night. He muttered "Women drivers." FML

Today, I went by myself to do a birthday party in a park, dressed as Elsa from Frozen. Everything was going fine until another Elsa and an Anna showed up to a nearby party. The kids then decided I was a fake and pulled my wig off. FML

Great parenting

Today, my 4-year-old daughter slipped on ceramic tile and I had to take her to the ER for 5 stitches to her chin. When we got home, I promptly split her chin open again as I over enthusiastically re-enacted how she fell to my husband and accidentally clocked her square in the chin. FML

Today, it's my birthday. What did I get? A 12-hour work shift, after spending an almost sleepless night in a computer chair because my bed is infested with bed bugs. FML

Today, I received a break-up text while in a cramped car with my whole family. I had to choke back tears as we got stuck in traffic with the radio playing one love song after another. FML

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

Today, my dog brought me a a dead rabbit. It so happened to be the rabbit a group of neighborhood kids were looking for after they lost it yesterday. I just had to hide a body for my dog. FML

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend standing at the end of the bed staring at a large wet spot. Boy do I know how to pick 'em! FML

Today, I realised that my boyfriend gets a boner every time I cry. FML

Today, my mother talked shit about me to the cat while I was in the room. FML

Today, I was yelled at by a bunch of angry people because I couldn't physically move out of the way while 10 more tried to force their way onto a subway in Shanghai. Then one old lady started hitting me with her purse to get me to move even more. FML

Cheer up!

Today, while trying to comfort my little brother who just injured his leg, I tripped and sprained my ankle. At least he was amused. FML

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 weeks showed up at my house at 7 AM. I was about to give him a kiss when he said, "Good morning, is Sarah here?" I was confused until I realized he didn't recognize me because I had no make up on. FML

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

Mortifying

Today, I went downstairs early in the morning to watch a movie. As I walked into the living room and reached for the light switch, I heard my dad say, "Knew you'd change your mind. Get them off." followed by the sound of a zipper being undone. I've never been so mortified in my life. FML

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

Today, I found out my four best friends are going to Florida for spring break without me. When asked why I was not invited to go with them the answer I received was, "we don't think you would look very good in a bathing suit, and we want to be able to pick up cute guys on the beach." FML

Blown job

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head while I was watching Star Trek and I accidentally called her Spock. FML

What did you just say?

Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

Invasion

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

Baaaa!

Today, I was taking a bath and out of boredom started making sheep noises. I then had a conversation with myself in farm animal noises. When I got out of the bath, I walked to my bedroom in my towel, passing the living room… where my little brother's soccer team burst out laughing. FML

Today, my friend and I decided to get bikini waxes. Afterwards, the women who did the waxing told my friend it was $30 for her wax. Then, in front of the whole salon, the women points at me and says, "You! You so hairy- $35!". FML

Going underground

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

Today, I took a girl out I've been seeing for two months on our first real date. I had saved all my money for the week for this. I took her to a beautiful restaurant uptown. She got hammered, hit me and screamed that I would never be as good as "Marshall." FML

Today, this guy and I went on a date to the movies. We got up to the desk and I asked for one ticket for 'Jennifer's Body.' The guy moved his way in front of me and said, "make that two tickets." He then walked away to look at movie posters and left me with the $22.50 charge. FML

Today, a woman cursed me out, called me a perverted freak, and said I should be ashamed of myself because I had asked her "How much for one night?." She works in a toy shop, I was with my five year old daughter, and was pointing to the sign, "Rent A Helium Tank!" FML

Weird interaction

Today, I went over to my best friend's house only to have his little brother run up to us and confess his love to me. His little brother is twelve and I've tutored him for a year. I'm seventeen and male. Now my best friend thinks I 'taught' him something weird. He won't talk to me. FML