DeafWolverine

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to rub Tabasco sauce on my household toilet paper. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around. When he slipped his hand down my pants, he scratched my pubic hair and said "scruffy, scruffy, scruffy." FML

Today, my boyfriend walked in on me in the bathroom. That's how he found out that I wax my nipples. FML

Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML

Use the force

Today, since I'm too ashamed to go buy a proper sex toy, I used an old Star Wars toy sword instead. FML

Today, I went to the House of Horrors at Universal Studios. People dressed up as monsters would jump at us, and I was so freaked out that I tripped. My equally terrified mom fell on top of me. Frankenstein's monster was nice enough to ask us if we were alright. FML

Today, I went camping and shared a tent with this girl I have been sleeping with here and there for a year. To impress her, I popped a certain male enhancement supplement. Thirty minutes later I found out she was on her period. What a long night. FML

Today, my brother lost his first tooth, so I told him the tooth fairy is going to give him money. He now thinks The Rock is going to show up in his room. FML

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML