Monsieur Small town, Georgia Célibataire
Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left, all for taking a piss. FML
Today, I saw my crush walking on the other side of the street. She hadn't noticed me, so when she did I nonchalantly looked over and casually waved to look cool. I then walked right into a lamp post. FML
Today, I was working at the gas station. An old lady was watching me fill her gas tank. A really beautiful girl walked by. I lost concentration and overfilled the tank. I quickly pulled it out and squirted the old lady with a bit of petrol. She was smiling and gave a slight moan. FML
Today, I discovered my 18 year old son has been peeing on the carpet when he is too lazy to get out of bed in the morning and blaming it on the cat. FML
Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, and I grabbed onto a fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML
Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML
Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML
Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML
Today, I was talking to my mom about how my fiancé has been ignoring me and that I didn't know why. Turns out, my mother told him that I was too much of a handful, was mentally disturbed and also cheating on him. Just so I wouldn't move out and would keep cleaning her house for free. FML
Today, I went over to my boyfriend's apartment and I smelled a delicious aroma as I walked in so I asked him what he was cooking. His response was, "I'm not cooking anything. I just farted." FML
Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. FML
Today, I overheard my parents discussing whether or not they could trust me being alone in the house for 2 days. They then came to the decision that I'm too unpopular and unattractive to ever throw a wild party or get laid. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl when her parents decided to come home early. Trying to run out the back door I fell and broke my ankle. Not only did her former Navy Seal father find out I was banging his little princess, he drove me to the ER, alone. FML
Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML
Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML
Today, I learned that, since getting my tongue ring, it has become imprudent to test 9-volt batteries with my tongue. FML
Today, I realized that in French, my name means "penis." This wouldn't be so bad if my dad wasn't fluent in French. FML
Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML
Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML
Today, I had diarrhea in a Walmart bathroom for 15 minutes. Apparently, so did the guy in the stall next to me. He attempted to make small talk to pass the time. FML
Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML
Today, whilst at my awards night, I got a boner, right as it was my turn to accept my award. To avoid a awkward situation, I flipped it up and under my belt. This failed to make the situation any less awkward, because the head of my penis poked out through my shirt, in plain view of the audience. FML
Today, I found my favorite stuffed animal I had as a child in the trash bin. I took it out to find that it felt wet and smelt funny. Apparently, my younger brother cut a hole in the butt of it and used it to masturbate. FML
Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML
Today, at the museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML
Today, I was at a pet store cuddling an apparently overaggressive chinchilla when it decided to bite me and run out of my hands. It is now nowhere to be found and I have to pay for it. FML
Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to speak Parseltongue to my vagina to "prepare the Chamber of Secrets for entry". FML
Today, my brother asked if he could borrow my razor, since he recently hit puberty and wanted to have a shave. I decided to be nice and let him. When he returned it half an hour later, I couldn't help but notice his facial hair was untouched. FML
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