Mademoiselle 30 ans En couple
Today, I had the day off from work. I did all the chores hoping to free up time to spend with my husband tonight. When he came home, he looked around and decided that since there was no need for him to stick around and help clean, he'd head to the bar to watch the game with the guys. FML
Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I'm German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, my teacher laughed at the "irony." Something like this always happens whenever I tell people my background. FML
Today, I showed my colleagues how I could switch on my webcam at home from the office. That's how we all found out my wife is cheating on me. FML
Today, while at the mall I opened a bathroom stall thinking nobody was in there. The door just didn't close properly. I hit an elderly woman in the head. FML
Today, my husband of 30 years told me that he thought we should 'just be friends'. FML
Today, as I was filling out divorce paperwork, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's 17. FML
Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 3 years. She's pregnant. I'm a virgin. FML
Today, I was driving my twin daughters to school, when I accidentally honked my horn. I told them it was an accident, then one of my kids said she already knew, because I didn't yell "ASSHOLE!" afterwards. FML
Today, my mom let it slip that she was divorcing my dad. After making me promise to keep it from him and my little sisters, she had me help her with her plans to renovate the house. She intends to kick him out once it's done. FML
Today, thanks to my wife's confession, I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML
Today, desperate after a very painful breakup, I poured my heart and soul out to my old teddy bear. When I finished, I asked what he would do in my situation. Right on cue, a gust of wind came through the window and sent him falling off the windowsill and crashing head-first onto the floor. FML
Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back. I quickly realized I haven't been touched in so long that I was smiling to flies landing on me in my sleep. FML
Today, the shy girl in my class brought a cake to share with everyone, since it's her birthday. Excited about the cake, I got everybody to sing "Happy Birthday" for her, only to realize too late that nobody in the class knew her name, myself included. FML
Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML
Today, after being in the UK for 2 months, I learned that when saying, "I'm about to blow off and kill someone", to the British "blow off" means "fart." This was pointed out to me in an open-space office after a particularly loud rant. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day… but I want to date some other girls first." FML
Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML
Today, after rocking my one-year old daughter for nearly two hours, she finally fell asleep. As I went to leave her room, I stubbed my toe. I now have a broken toe, a screaming child, and a wife who will be so proud that her daughter's first word is "FUCK!" FML
Today, my 9 month-old son realized he is just as tired as I am. His solution is to cry loudly. My solution was to cry along with him. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML
Today, my mother called me a "wasteful child" because I threw up my lunch. FML
Today, my dad created a new rule: It isn't old until there's mold. FML
Today, while my plane took off, I was forced to sit and watch as somebody rear-ended my car in the parking lot. FML
Today, I found out what it feels like to get hit in the head with a bat. Not the wooden kind though. The one that bites and claws you when it gets stuck in your hair. FML
Today, in health class we were watching a documentary about anxiety. My teacher asked if any of us often feel anxious. I was too anxious to raise my hand, and went into a minor panic attack. FML
Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML
Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by picture, during a game of Draw Something. FML
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