Auspex

Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

Spooky

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she never lets me in her house. She stared blankly and said, "What is inside is not for thine eyes." I told her best friend about this creepiness later on. She sighed and said, "T'was not for mine eyes either. I didst fail to listen." I feel like I'm losing my mind here. FML

Today, I got to see a waterfall up close. Too bad it was in my bedroom. FML

Today, my son asked me if the short films I write are for little kids or for adults. Since I write horror-filled films, I said they were for adults. He went and told his teacher that I made "adult films". FML

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML