Soupr_Dawg

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

Today, while I was eating lunch at work, I practically had a panic attack because I'd forgotten to feed my Neopet. FML

Today, my friend and I were playing football in the street, when out of nowhere a homeless man sucker punches me in the gut, grabs my football, and runs away laughing like a maniac. FML

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

Creepy guy

Today, I found out that when people in my apartment complex warn their kids about strangers, they use me as the example. FML

Today, I learned a valuable lesson: Make sure you learn to swim at a very young age, or else you might end up a in a swimming class with a bunch 3 and 4 year-olds, taught by your crush. FML

Nothing better to do

Today, I spent 3 hours trying to read my dog's mind. FML

Decisions, decisions

Today, my 27 year-old boyfriend chose playing with Lego over making sweet love to me. FML

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML

Improvise, adapt, overcome

Today, I walked in on my daughter attempting to iron her pants with a hair straightener. She's 17. FML

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

Lost

Today, a friend who I hadn't seen in a while offered to give me a ride. I didn't really know how to give directions to my house, so when we had been driving for a while and it was getting awkward, I just pointed at a random house and pretended to live there. FML