sirthomas_fml

Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

Today, I learned that my parents' nickname for my fiancé is "dickwad." FML

GET IT AWAY FROM ME!

Today, I subbed for a first grade class. They were releasing butterflies. Butterflies scare me shitless. A bunch of 7 year-olds watched as I screamed hysterically when one landed on me. FML

Today, I found out my cat is allergic to ME. No kidding. FML

Today, a stoned man tried to break into my house. Naked. FML

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

Drive on

Today, the only person to wish me a "Happy birthday" was the cop who'd pulled me over, as he handed me my ticket. FML

Today, my cat took a shit in my toaster. FML

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML

Just a prank, bro

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

Today, I was at the park with my daughter. She walked up to a boy at the swings, held her hand out, and said, "Hi I'm Vanessa, and someday you'll be working for me." FML

Today, I snuck up on my girlfriend to give her a kiss. Only after I planted a big one did I realize it was not my girlfriend, or even a girl for that matter. FML

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

Fresh and not Fit

Today, I ran out of breath while mowing the lawn. I was on a riding lawn mower. FML

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

Lonely, so lonely…

Today, the only person I actually spoke with was a prank caller. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he hung up on me. FML

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

Today, my family got together to read my grandpa's will. He gave all of his grandkids $400 each. Except me. It seems he thought I'd see the funny side in being bequeathed a blow-up sex doll. FML

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

Today, I broke my leg while trying to show my friend how I broke my other leg. FML

Today, my cat died in the process of eating, and choking on, my hamster. FML

Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school saying that she had beat someone up. She's 4. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me a speech on me "not being manly enough". I started crying. FML

Today, it was my first day as a police officer. A couple of hours into the shift, we got a call. A man was drunkenly jeering and urinating on parked cars. That man turned out to be my father. FML

Today, I caught my wife slipping penis enlargement pills into my coffee. FML

Today, I was caught skinny dipping by the police. With the arresting officer's daughter. FML