DMC0821

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

Today, my boyfriend took me to get the abortion that we both agreed on. He was being so supportive through the whole thing. When it was all over I thanked him for coming. He replied, "Well that's what got us here in the first place!" He's still mad he can't tell anyone his joke. FML

Today, a wasp ended up in the house. Normally, I'd just open a door to outside and run for cover, but my 3-year-old son was home, so I decided to be brave and kill it. It flew into the air vents. We're now playing wasp roulette every time we enter a room. FML

Today, I'd had enough of the annoying bird constantly singing in the shrillest bird voice possible outside of my window, so I chased it around the yard, shooing it away, as my cat sat there and watched. FML

Nature is healing

Today, I was started my week of camping alone in the woods. I took my shoes off to go to sleep, but I had to come out to get water. I stepped on a wasp, and while I was standing on one foot looking at the sting, I realized I was in an ant pile. I'm allergic to both. FML

Today, I'm sleeping in a hotel with my grandparents for 2 days. They both talked in their sleep and snored for almost 3 hours straight, so I moved into the bathtub in the tiny bathroom to try to get some sleep. Just as I was falling asleep, the showerhead started to leak. Back to square one. FML

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

Today, my dad had a midlife crisis in the grocery store over his football career in high school. So he decided pelting me with vegetables and fruits would be a good idea. FML

Awks

Today, I had to awkwardly sit next to my ex and her mother on a 2-hour flight. FML

Today, I got yelled at for not taking an order correctly at work. I've been washing dishes all day and haven't taken a single order. FML

Today, I would like to say I pinched a nerve throwing punches, but no, I did it by sneezing. FML

Today, my son found a cockroach in his bed. I had to kill the thing and wash all his sheets and stuffed animals before he'd finally agree to go back to bed, three hours later. FML

Today, it has been my lifelong dream to work with animals. My dream sorta came true. I now work at the slaughterhouse. FML

Today, I was at the lake with my family. I was drinking from a can of soda but didn't realize a bee flew into the can. I didn't swallow it, but I now have Kylie Jenner's lips. FML

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

Today, I went into labor. I called my mother to ask her to drive me to the hospital. She wanted me to wait for her to take a nap first. FML

Nothing of value was lost

Today, I found out my debit card information has been compromised and that someone in San Jose, CA has completely drained my bank account. Joke's on them though. I was already broke as fuck. FML

Today, my friend and I were brushing our teeth, standing side by side. We both have a sympathy gag reflex. He brushed his tongue and gagged, which caused me to gag. So we had a never ending gag-fest until we both began throwing up and couldn't stop until one of us could manage to hold it in. FML

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

Today, I walked up to my sister's car to give her some money I owed her. She refused to open the window and take back the money. After begging her to open the window, a passer-by mistook me for a beggar and gave me some loose change. FML

Today, I was talking with my girlfriend. We both have family issues, so we'd agreed to open up to each other today. Turns out I'm dating my cousin. FML

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

Trauma

Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML

Today, I thought I'd save some money by doing my own electrical work. When I turned the power back on, it caught fire. FML

Today, it was my first day at my new job as a receptionist at a small doctor's office. When the doctor's wife called and asked if he'd stepped out, I blanked the word "Doctor" and instead replaced it with, "Medicine man." FML

Today, I told my best friend that I was gay and that I liked him. Turns out he's very open about the topic. Basically, he kissed me and then slapped me. I don't know what that's supposed to mean. FML

Today, I was woken up by my dad screaming that the ship was sinking. I started freaking out before I realized that I was sleeping on my couch at home and was not in fact on a ship. FML

Today, in the class I'm teaching, I assigned my students an essay to complete for homework. One student asked me if I was deducting points for bad spelling. I teach English. FML

Today, I overheard two classmates wondering who Joan of Arc was. They agreed among themselves that she had to be the wife of Noah. We're in college. FML