Today, I realized that customers at my work ask me, "Are you new or just stupid?" just as often as they did when I first started. FML
Today, my boyfriend went to work instead of going to my father's funeral. He works at home and chooses his own hours. FML
Today, on a dimly lit red eye flight, I woke up to see my mom's head bobbing up and down in my dad's lap. I guess giving out stealthy blow jobs next to your sleeping son is no big deal. FML
Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML
Today, I received a panicked email from one of my university students on my course on Russian history, stating that he'd "always thought Stalin was fake, like the moon landing." FML
Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML
Today, I walked in on my husband jacking off to a photo of himself. FML
Today, I asked my friend to download Frozen for me, because my mom wanted to play it for family movie night. The movie was shit, but it got even worse halfway through, when it cut to hardcore porn and a text bar saying "umad?" Now I'm grounded, and my "friend" is a legend for his prank. FML
Today, I felt a painful lump on my jaw. After going on Google, I was convinced I either had an infected tooth or jaw cancer. In a panic, I rushed to the dentist and told the receptionist the problem. She pulled the dentist from an appointment, and he felt around my jaw. It was just a pimple. FML
Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML
Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML
Today, while shopping, my dad asked me to walk further away from him, saying I was cramping his style in front of all the chicks there. FML
Today, I was at an interview for one of the top universities in the U.S. Everything was going great until I choked on my own saliva and almost threw up on the interviewer. FML
Today, I was in a heated debate about climate change. I got so flustered that I forgot the word "volcano" and ended up calling them "exploding mountain things". End of the debate. Shame. FML
Today, I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. My mom emailed all of my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of "morning sickness". Thanks mom. FML
Today, my Breaking Bad-obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks" during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML
Today, I came back from vacation to find a packet on the company's stress management programs on my desk. I was sent the same packet over my vacation. I got the same packet from my boss as I left. All because I snapped at a co-worker who was throwing a tantrum over the Star Wars trailer. FML
Today, in the middle of my haircut, the hairdresser went into labor. They never finished cutting it. FML
Today, I found out that my 2-year-old brother is afraid of his own penis. Whenever he doesn't have a diaper on, he screams, cries and yells, "Ew". FML
Today, I started getting calls from gay men looking for anonymous kinky sex. It turns out that my coworker has been posting my personal information in Craigslist Personals section as a prank. My wife doesn't believe that my coworker is such an asshole. FML
Today, my coworker said that she suddenly got the shivers. I jokingly told her that it meant she must be being watched by a dead person and made stupid ghost noises. She then told me it was the anniversary of her dad's death and burst into tears. FML
Today, my boss told me they were letting me go because they "could no longer afford to pay me." Never mind the catered lunch they had the day before, which cost more than a week's worth of my salary. FML
Today, my boyfriend "accidentally" had sex with my roommate. FML
Today, my wife's boyfriend learned that you can't flush condoms. FML
Today, my boss informed me I couldn't go on my "vacation" because he's leaving for one of his employees' weddings. That just so happens to be my wedding, for which I'm taking the vacation. FML
Today, at work, I had to tell a woman that there is no such thing as a "pedigree Beahuahuadoodle", and that she'd essentially paid $500 for a mutt. FML
Today, I was making out with a girl I've liked for a long time. At one point she stopped kissing me and said, "You kiss like my brother". I sat there dumbstruck as she went back to kissing me. FML
Today, somebody poured a cup of coffee down the back of my shirt. When I turned around, I saw a man who said, "You looked like my ex from behind!" and ran off. FML
Today, I saw my coworker write about how awful Muslims were and how the religion is stupid, the hijab is oppressive, and how they're a poison on society. When I questioned them about it, they pretty much said that I didn't know anything and should stop talking. I'm Muslim and a hijabi. FML
Today, I discovered my elderly neighbour likes to roam around his yard naked and wash his balls with the sprinkler. I'm never going to grab a snack in my kitchen again. FML
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