Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML
Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform her, I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML
Today, I was unloading Cokes outside of the movie theater I work at. While bent over, I heard someone call out, "Damn girl, you got a fat ass," followed by, "Oh God, that's a man!" I am indeed a man. FML
Today, my hard drive on my computer crashed with all of my files on it. I took it to my Dad, who is a computer analyst, to see if he could recover anything. The only thing that he could salvage was my illustrious collection of porn. FML
Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML
Today, I couldn't answer almost any of the questions in the game "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" I'm a 40 year old man. FML
Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML
Today, I was driving home from school when I saw this girl I like walking home. Trying to be polite, I pulled over and asked if she wanted a ride. My offer was rejected as she said, "No, I'm actually already home," and walked up the nearest driveway. My driveway. FML
Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML
Today, I was having dinner with some friends at an Applebee's. I couldn't decide on what I wanted, and after about 10 minutes of me flipping through the menu, our waiter brings over the braille menu complete with gigantic pictures of all the dishes and says, "Here, I thought this might help." FML
Today, my friends and I decided to compare dick sizes one by one. I was last and I was the smallest. I was also the only Asian amongst my friends. They now call me "the stereotype". FML
Today, I felt inspired to create a photo album of myself through the years. As I was organizing the photos of my childhood, I noticed how many my mom was holding me and hugging me in. When she came home from work I jokingly asked, "When did you start hating me?" She replied, "When you were 4." FML
Today, I found out my friend has been texting my long distance boyfriend more than I do. When I confronted her about it, she confessed that it was because they had been planning a surprise appearance for me. I've never been surprised before, and I ruined my own surprise. FML
Today, I did a 3 hour long assignment for school. I was bored so I gave it the title "F***ing Assignment for a F***ing Teacher." I went downstairs only to discover that the printer was out of ink. So I sent it to her email, then I realized that I didn't change the title. FML
Today, I discovered I was at the same restaurant as my ex and his new girlfriend. Quickly, I picked up my mother's phone when she wasn't looking, and began to pretend to talk to a fake new boyfriend. Few seconds later, the waiter loudly asked me if I was done talking into the calculator. FML
Today, I parked my convertible in the 5 minute bay at the post office. When I came back out I noticed a bum in the front seat pretending to drive it. After shouting at him and pulling him out, he stumbled off. I was then slapped with a ticket for being parked longer than 5 minutes. FML
Today, the elderly couple next door asked me to cut down a tree in their yard. It turns out they told me to cut down the wrong tree, and I cut down the tree they got married under. They now hate me and tell me they plan to sue me for damage to property. FML
Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML
Today, a man I don't know came up to me and started screaming about how "all you damn Mexicans were stealing American's jobs" and he stormed off. I'm Native American, and I'm pretty sure we've been here longer. FML
Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML
Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML
Today, I was watching TV when a Dentyne gum commercial came on and stated that the average person spends more than 20,000 minutes kissing. I've spent less than three. FML
Today, the girl I like sent me a Facebook message telling me how the message I left on her phone was one of the funniest drunk dials she's ever gotten. I'm debating whether or not I should tell her that I don't drink. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to play my friends the demo CD that I've spent all summer recording. I didn't tell them it was me. Not even 10 seconds into the first song, my best friend asked me to turn it off because it sucked. FML
Today, I woke up to find out I'd had a wet dream last night. About someone other than my girlfriend. I don't remember anything about the dream, but my girlfriend remembers everything because apparently I talked throughout my dream, and she was right next to me listening. FML
Today, I noticed that my wife changed her status on Facebook to "widow" and a lot of strange guys commented saying stuff like "Finally." Last I checked, I'm not dead. FML
Today, I went for a run. When I got home, no one was there so I took off my clothes and laid on the cool wood floor. I decided to call my girlfriend and we started talking in baby voices. That's when my mom walked into the house witnessing everything. FML
Today, I got dumped after about a four year relationship. Feeling lonely and depressed, I posted on Facebook, "is hurt, someone please text or call me." Then one of my cousins commented, "No one text him." His comment got 17 "likes." No one got in contact with me. FML
Today, I won employee of the month. I was then fired for being late. FML
Today, I got home from working late and decided to write a cute email to my girlfriend since I haven't seen her in two weeks. I was about to finish it off when my door swung open, and in a panic, I opened another tab to hide my email. It was porn. FML
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