Mademoiselle C.C, U.S 36 ans En couple
Today, I woke up crying in the middle of a nightmare in which my boyfriend of 8 months shot me through the heart whilst laughing as I screamed, "I love you." After I told him about this, he took me into his arms as I cried, stroked my back, and said, "What kind of gun was it?" FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML
Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML
Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML
Today, my computer was hit by something bigger than a virus: a car. FML
Today, my mom rolled up the car window on my fingers. She thought my yelling and crying was because I was throwing a tantrum. I'm 26. FML
Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML
Today, I attended a funeral. During the minute of silence, my phone went off. My ringtone is "It's good to be alive". FML
Today, I sneezed so hard I fell down the stairs. FML
Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML
Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML
Today, I wrote in my own yearbook with different styles of handwriting so my mom would think I have friends. FML
Today, I saw a woman run down my street screaming, "Fuck you cops! I can drive under the influence if I want to!" It took me a second to realize it was my mother. FML
Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML
Today, my boyfriend fingered me. He never cuts his nails. It felt like I was getting intimate with Wolverine. FML
Today, I came to terms with the fact that my boss owns my soul for the bare minimum wage, and has me so whipped that he probably will for the rest of eternity, or until his ancient, withered, necromantic ass dies. FML
Today, my aunt and uncle stole $584 from me, since I'm moving out. Their reasoning? I stole things. When I asked what I'd stolen, my aunt looked me straight in the eye and said "Milk Duds." FML
Today, I walked in on my boyfriend masturbating furiously. To Star Trek. FML
Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror hand" I bought for Halloween. FML
Today, I was called a pervert. On a phone sex line. FML
Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said, "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML
Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML
Today, my 5 year-old twin boys decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML
Today, I got a concussion while teaching a kid how to be a safe and cautious swimmer. FML
Today, for my birthday, instead of a cake, my friends surprised me with a castle mainly made out of bacon. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but I fucking hate bacon. FML
Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML
Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML
Today, I went to my husband's work to give him lunch. His assistant told me his "wife" was in his office. FML
Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML
Today, my girlfriend came to my house crying because the guy who she has been cheating on me with doesn't want to be with her anymore. FML
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