raven_of_azarath

poormomma · 15 avril 2020, 08:00

Shame! Shaaaame!

Today, I found out my son kept quiet about having head lice for a week. He's 14. FML

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Anonymous · 16 avril 2020, 14:00

Artistic licence

Today, after spending at least 4 hours drawing a realistic shadow of a vampire for a picture contest, I finally remembered that vampires aren't supposed to produce shadows. FML

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Anonymous · 9 avril 2020, 05:00

There's an app for everything

Today, my boyfriend told me that he could predict my periods because he keeps track of when I'm at my bitchiest each month. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so accurate. FML

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Anonymous · 29 mars 2020, 03:00

Too much of a good thing

Today, I finally found a job as a secretary for a small film studio. The sets are in a soundproofed part of the building, but not for the typical reasons. Right through the wall is a pornography studio. It's all I'll hear from 8 to 5 every day. FML

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Anonymous · 24 mars 2020, 19:15

The Outsider

Today, I realized I am ‘that person’ in the group when I was only added to the group chat 6 weeks after it was created. I don’t really see a point in trying to chime in to the conversation at this point, but leaving the group seems a bit dramatic. FML

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Anonymous · 19 mars 2020, 09:03 🌶️ Épicée

That escalated badly

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

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Carlah · 17 mars 2020, 20:30

Deception

Today, I found out that the 19-year-old I've been seeing is really 26, with two kids and a pregnant fiancée. I'm only 17. FML

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Kathleen Verswijvel · 16 mars 2020, 14:35

Bad timing

Today, it's been a while since I've been looking for a job. Too bad most companies are closing down and ordering people to work from home because of the Coronavirus. FML

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Dumbass · 12 mars 2020, 05:00 ·Netherlands

Waiting for Godot

Today, I'm still waiting for my ex, who yesterday afternoon told me that he'd be here within the hour. FML

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EvictingItSoon · 8 mars 2020, 23:07

The miracle of barf

Today, what I thought was food poisoning is actually a baby. FML

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ThreeHoursEarly · 24 janvier 2020, 01:00

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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retailworker · 9 janvier 2020, 14:00

Customer service

Today, at work, I was helping a customer over the phone. Another customer came and asked me a question. I let them know I'd be with them shortly. They then said "I really think you should hang up. The customer is always first." FML

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sexlube · 1 janvier 2020, 20:00 ·Kirkland, United States

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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dogpatch087 · 2 janvier 2020, 03:00 ·Ventura, United States

Shout the victory

Today, while climbing a mountain, I got to the top and then put both of my arms up in a victory kind of way only to trip on a rock and fall into a cactus plant. FML

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regret · 30 décembre 2019, 01:00 ·Warrnambool, Australia

My regret

Today, my little sister put me in charge of keeping her fighting fish alive. It would've been an easy task if it weren't for my crazy ex-boyfriend drunkenly forcing his way into my house, vomiting into the fishbowl and killing the fish. Only ten more hours until my family gets home. FML

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Anonyme · 19 décembre 2019, 18:00 🌶️ Épicée

I am sexy

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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Perry85 · 10 décembre 2019, 05:00 🌶️ Épicée

Not my turn

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she says "Don't cum in me, my husband has plans for later." FML

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Anonymous · 5 décembre 2019, 14:00

Taking pictures

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML

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whytho · 19 novembre 2019, 03:00

Because of him

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I also found out I have an STD. I was clean before we dated. FML

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princess98 · 18 novembre 2019, 05:00

Revenge!

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to take a shower, because he smelt awful and wanted to cuddle. After 45 minutes, he did so. I wanted to cuddle and fool around after he was done. I got rejected because he didn't want to get dirty. FML

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Anonymous · 24 octobre 2019, 14:03

Congratulations. Or not.

Today, I was told that I will be a father in 2 months. I had a one night stand about 7 months ago. FML

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asuramaru · 24 octobre 2019, 16:00

Knowledge is power

Today, at 19 years-old, I found out that kiwi birds aren’t actually extinct. FML

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LY2 · 25 octobre 2019, 02:00

Keep it in the family

Today, I found out why my boyfriend won't come over anymore. He and my brother apparently had a "thing" before we started dating. FML

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Kahlilah Kilgore · 20 octobre 2019, 16:00

Touching story

Today, I was half asleep when my cat came over to cuddle. I was petting her in the dark when I felt what I thought was a patch of matted fur under her neck, as if she had been injured and bleeding. Alarmed, I felt for that spot again and found myself holding her tail. What I'd felt was in fact my cat's anus. FML

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Anonymous · 15 octobre 2019, 22:00

And now, on Judge Judy

Today, I found out my roommates spent my rent money and told the landlord I never paid. I've paid my rent and theirs the past six months. My name's on the lease. FML

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Virginia6810 · 14 octobre 2019, 02:00

Christmas is canceled

Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

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Anonymous · 13 octobre 2019, 01:00

Thanks for that, dad!

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

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Anonymous · Ça date de 2019 mais c'est de la bonne

Phones, how do they work?!

Today, a voicemail suddenly appeared in my messages. Last week I missed a call from an Unknown caller, and no number was listed. Turns out they wanted to arrange an interview for a job I really wanted. They left a number in the voicemail, telling me to call them back that day if I was interested. FML

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Anonymous · 2 octobre 2019, 22:01

Jagged Little Pill

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

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firefly02255 · 1 octobre 2019, 14:00 ·United States

Bullseye

Today, some troopers forced my family out of our house with no shoes or enough clothing. Even the baby was half naked. We were told we can't go back for at least another 12 hours. Why? Because my mental neighbor was shooting at the house. FML

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