raven_of_azarath

Anonymous · 24 octobre 2020, 05:01 ·Georgetown, United States

Make it work

Today, I got my hair cut short, as it hasn’t been cut in well over a year and I was getting sick of dealing with it. I told the hairdresser I would probably look like a boy but she said it would look cute, and that she’d make sure it looks feminine. I loved how it came out, until the kid at CVS asked, “Can I help you sir?” FML

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FdUp_at32 · 20 octobre 2020, 14:02 ·Southfield, United States

Shoulda checked, dude

Today, a tattoo artist angrily threw me out of his store because an "88" tattoo is apparently a Nazi thing, representing “Heil Hitler.” I just wanted my birth year. FML

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Anonymous · 12 octobre 2020, 20:01

She's lost control again

Today, I had an unexpected sneezing fit and drove my car through 2 trees and a fence. FML

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pissed · 12 octobre 2020, 04:59

F is for Family

Today, I came home to find my husband’s disgusting pig of a sister let herself in while we were at work and decided to take a nap in our bed. Not only did she not ask to visit, she left a huge smelly period stain on my favorite sheets. No apology, no attempt to clean up. I didn’t give her a key. FML

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betray the betrayer · 11 octobre 2020, 02:02 ·United States

Blabbermouth

Today, after a lifetime of my mom being a huge gossip, even about her own kids, and lying about being the one spreading it around, my siblings and I have decided to stop telling my mom things. Now she lays these huge guilt trips on us, just because we don’t want the world to know our business. FML

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Anonymous · 6 octobre 2020, 23:01

Fake News

Today, I’m not sure what to call it, but I think I just got COVID-SWATted when a bunch of police turned up to my house after someone told them I was partying with over 50 people, breaking social distancing. In a one-bed flat, with barely enough room for 3 people to sit down at the same time. FML

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Anonymous · 3 octobre 2020, 20:01 🌶️ Épicée

Clean break

Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML

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Anonymous · 29 septembre 2020, 17:01

Damn squares!

Today, I went for a job interview and was rejected for having a 'visible' tattoo. It's white ink, so you can't see it unless you look super closely. The only reason they knew about it was because I was honest and mentioned it when asked if I had any tattoos. I guess honesty is not the best policy. FML

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Anonymous · 28 septembre 2020, 08:08

Who's Afraid of Red, Yellow and Blue

Today, I spent almost two hours drawing a scenery. I was tired halfway in and took a break. Came back to my room to see it getting scribbled on. FML

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Anonymous · 27 septembre 2020, 17:02 ·Cody, United States

Those assholes are everywhere!

Today, I found out my wife's sister is an antivaxxer, and my wife is headed that way too. Our first baby is due next February. FML

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bad sis sad sis · 24 septembre 2020, 02:01 🌶️ Épicée

Snitches get stitches

Today, I told my mom that I walked in on my sister and her boyfriend having sex. My mom flew into a rage and slapped me several times, calling me a liar and made me apologize to my sister for saying something “so disgusting” about her. I wasn’t lying and she just smirked the whole time. FML

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p0isonOreo68 · 24 septembre 2020, 20:02

Smells better when turned on

Today, my cat peed on my stove. There’s multiple clean litter-boxes that he could have used instead. FML

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Anonymous · 23 septembre 2020, 14:01 ·United States

Get out

Today, my boyfriend tried to break up with me again, and actually offered me gas money so that I would leave. FML

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Anonymous · 22 septembre 2020, 17:01

Negotiations

Today, I had to tell my 28-year-old roommate she needs to wash her hands after using the bathroom. She then said she’d try, as long as I try to put my dishes in the dishwasher. Those aren’t even on the same level. FML

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TimeWasted · 22 septembre 2020, 20:04 ·Tallahassee, United States

Out of the frying pan

Today, after I got hired on at a new job with perfect hours and pay, worked my two-week notice at my old job, now one week into new job, they let me go because they’re overstaffed and I’m the newest hire. FML

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Anonymous · 20 septembre 2020, 08:02 ·Arlington, United States

Always ask for documentation

Today, the guy I met on Tinder texted me about our date tomorrow. He seemed nervous. I come to find out his mom overheard us talking on the phone and wants to meet me. I said OK, that’s not big deal. That’s when he told me that he’s actually 17. I now hate myself because I’m 26. FML

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7 commentaires Partager

parenting fail · 20 septembre 2020, 20:01 ·United States

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

Today, my stepdaughter proudly showed off her new tattoo. It says "Jace’s place" in sloppy script on her lower belly. She’s 15. Jace is a boy she’s been seeing for 3 months. She got the tattoo in "some guy’s garage." It happened during her weekend visit with her father. Hello teenage rebellion. FML

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justanidiot · 21 septembre 2020, 05:01 ·Macon, United States

Vibe check

Today, I've been getting weird vibes from my boyfriend of over a year and half, so I made a fake Tinder account. Guess who my first match was? My now ex-boyfriend. FML

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WhataStrangeTripThisIs · 18 septembre 2020, 05:25

Stuck in traffic

Today, I'm still learning how to drive stick. I went to pick up my son from school and stalled out during high traffic. The crossing guard had to rescue me by getting in my car and pull it out of the flow of traffic. FML

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Anonymous · 18 septembre 2020, 10:01

Bonjour!

Today, in a job interview I confirmed I could speak French, as I lived in France for 6 years and became fluent, but I was so nervous that when my interviewer started speaking French, I froze up and the entire French language exited my brain like it was escaping a fire. I was kicked out for lying. FML

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Anonymous · 17 septembre 2020, 22:59

Observational comedy

Today, I, an insecure high school student, told my 11-year-old sister that I got my period in third grade. She responded with, “What?! Then how come you didn’t have tits until last year?” FML

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p!nk · 12 septembre 2020, 20:01 ·United States

Policy schmolicy

Today, I let my daughter dye her hair pink. I got an email from her school stating that the hair color violated the school dress code as it's “distracting,” and she will not be allowed to attend classes until she changes it. We do school over Zoom. Not sure how her hair distracts on a screen. FML

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14 commentaires Partager

Anonymous · 11 septembre 2020, 23:02 ·Boise, United States

Suspicious

Today, I pulled over because my cell phone was ringing, as it's now illegal to use in a car. I finished the call when a motorcycle cop on side of road pulls up behind me and comes over. The reason? "You pulled off the road and it was suspicious, then I ran your plate…" FML

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zoomzoom · 11 septembre 2020, 02:02 ·United States

Letting it all hang out

Today, I had to send out yet another email reminding families that everyone must be fully dressed while in view of the screen. This includes the student, any other children and the adults in the home. I teach first grade. It’s almost a weekly occurrence to have to send these. FML

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Anonymous · 9 septembre 2020, 05:01 ·Italy 🌶️ Épicée

Statistics

Today, I found out that my 7 friends, with a total of 23 past boyfriends in 11 years, have had 0 orgasms during sex. As someone whose sex ed was basically porn, it felt like finding out Santa wasn't real, but worse. FML

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David Wicker · 9 septembre 2020, 08:02

Laughs in socialized healthcare

Today, I sleep on the floor every night because my cat has punctured three air mattresses. I was going to get a real bed with my stimulus check, but I broke my leg and had to pay for the doctor's bill. FML

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Anonymous · 9 septembre 2020, 02:02

Empathy hurts

Today, my brother-in-law's wife said she won the jackpot by marrying into our family. What she doesn't know is that they make fun of her family behind her back, and her husband has no drive or focus in life. Now I get to watch her discover how crazy they really are. FML

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notonasoccertam · 6 septembre 2020, 10:09 ·United States

Harsh

Today, I made my school's soccer team. I told the coach that since I have diabetes, I might need to sit out occasionally. He promptly erased my name and said he didn't accept "slackers." FML

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B.. · 1 septembre 2020, 23:00

Bye then!

Today, my girlfriend, after 9 months of coffee shop dates and sharing bottles of wine, relaxing, expressing our love for each other, decided it was time to end our relationship by telling me that she actually wasn't happy, and had her and all of her friends and family block me on every social media. FML

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Anonymous · 2 septembre 2020, 02:01

Send virtual hugs

Today, I'm jealous of people who get to hug. My mom has banned hugs in the house because of COVID-19, and the only person I've hugged in the last 6 months is my boyfriend. He's been away for work for the past month and a half. FML

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